Crashing Through My Life

So Low

2011-04-27T21:12:00.002-06:00

I have scared all the people out of my life. I think too much about being sick. I talk about it all the time. I complain all the time. I may be chronically ill and I suppose I need to think more about the spoon theory. (Google it, it explains what its like to have a chronic illness perfectly). I need to choose where the spoons are going in a better way. I have no friends, I have no life, and I cannot blame an eating disorder anymore because thats not where I am at. So how do I find friends when I am not able to go to school and I can't work? I do not have the answer to that question. I have leaned heavily on my faith and get my butt back to church and hope that people will be able to look past the things that have been. I have no clue because right now people just keep me at a distance. People were supposed to sign up to come see me to help me from getting lonely but I am always not important enough on their radar. They have something else that comes up and more often than not time passes and no one has come. I don't matter. My dad is so busy with school that we can't talk on the phone anymore so even that outlet is gone and all he can tell me anymore is to try harder to eat more even though it hurts. I am going to have to try harder but it really does hurt so much.
Anyhow...yea...I am really depressed lately. It seems like I am at a really low point right now.

Afraid To Sleep, I love you...you know who you are.

2011-04-22T08:39:00.003-06:00

I didn't realize this but perhaps I am starting to. I am still in semi-denial about it. But I am scared to sleep. I am scared that I will stop breathing or something. I am trying to go to sleep. I have been up for a long period of time because I am talking in my sleep. I have gone out with friends and basically talked in my sleep standing right with them. I felt awful. I was responding to them with comments I was making in the dream to my dog and they are so out of place. Its scaring me. I don't want this anymore. I need the courage to sleep. I need to have the faith that its ok. I mean even if I did die, even if I did stop breathing again I need to realize its ok. God has a place for me to go. Mom is already there and she is waiting for me. I love her and I would be happy to be with her again. So...I am gonna hop off of here and I hope I can go to sleep right now. I feel better just writing this out. But something I need to realize is what I am really bothered with is I have not written or said everything to the people I love or care about so I guess I need to get these things said...put the words to paper. To everyone in my life, I love you. You know who you are. I want you to know that. I need to say it. Now I am going to finally try to go to sleep...hopefully after writing this my mind will let me finally sleep

I need help

2011-01-02T07:10:00.002-07:00

Strange events for my life. I spent 3 weeks in the hospital for an SBO and was out for almost 2 weeks when I went back in for another week for pneumonia. I still have the pneumonia but I am at home. I am not doing well on my own and am trying to come up with some ways to people to help me on a more regular basis because right now my bp and breathing are not letting me stand for a very long time. Things have been getting very challenging. I want so much, but I can't have most of what I want which is really making me frustrated.My feeding tube is now on all the time or close to it but if it makes things better I am all for it, though it just did some reflux so I am on a break for an hour right now.

If people read this at all, can people who have a chronic illness please, or serious illness while recovering from ed please contact me. I need help, I can't do this on my own anymore.

101--educcation in chronic illness

2010-12-04T00:19:00.002-07:00

I am sick of it. Tomorrow starts the third week in this particular hospital stay. I miss my dog. I miss my bed. I want to be home...and I miss seeing my friends. My tummy hurts so much all the time. Though we did get the main problem taken care of we think. My feeding tubes catheter balloon snagged my intestines and caused it to bunch up like a sock being pulled by the toes back through itself. Now the GI doc wants to make sure I can go to the bathroom without resorting to a monster enema like we had to do right after the snaggafoo. I need it to work. I need to go home. I need to sleep better. I am so done with this being sick thing. I hate it. I want my life back.

Thanksgiving. Post 100

2010-11-26T00:07:00.002-07:00

Wow...one would think I would have gotten to post 100 a long time ago, but I am finally here. I have taken several very long breaks from blogging. But I always come back. This post is going to be short because I am not feeling my best right now. Perhaps I will do a better post tomorrow or shortly thereafter. I am in the hospital again for another small bowel obstruction. How fun is that...in the hospital on an NPO status on thanksgiving? Well I will still be grateful. I am grateful for the drugs that are helping me keep the pain away and the throwing up at bay. I am grateful that they have the knowledge to put me on a picc line and TPN so that I won't lose too much weight despite the fact that I can't eat food by mouth. I am grateful for all the friends and family that are always supporting me through hard time. I am grateful for a great person to watch my dog while I am here and even though its annoying I am grateful that he sneaks my dog in to see me once in a while because it puts a smile on my face.

I will try to do a better update later when I am less tired and less drugged.

Bloggage

2010-10-26T20:44:00.003-06:00

I really need to start blogging again. Especially since all I can do is sit around all day and think about how much I hate this crap. I hate being sick. Too many labels and so much pain and no answers. It PISSES me off. And there is NOTHING I can do about it except trudge forward. Hope that one day these doctors can get together and figure the puzzle that is my body out. I am tired and always in pain. And I have people who KNOW me well enough that I could not believe it when they thought I might be addicted to pain meds. That hurt. Someone close should not question that part of a person. They should know better and yet...he did not. Still voiced the thought. And someone could say this to me when I do everything to avoid taking pain pills. What I do fear is not having something on hand when the time comes and I do get in so much pain I can barely move. DO I use medicine that I do have when I am not in pain. NO...it actually scares me to death. These meds can make my body be in more pain if they are overused. Pain pills could kill me. Top that off with a new case of Mono and a thyroid level thats off the charts and this chica is constantly trying to keep her head on straight and the tears from falling and snot dripping and all that crap that comes with feeling sorry for yourself. And that is the point. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. So...yea. Thats it then.

Bad idea!!!

2010-08-23T20:31:00.002-06:00

Okay so on top of all my SMA crapola going on I got this stomach virus that was going around last week. At first I thought it was just strep throat so I isolated and didn't go to church. Evidently this virus can have blisters on the throat too. Then it moves into all that lovely I gotta go, I gotta go, gemme the bathroom STAT!! So in that arena I stopped the miralax I am supposed to take every night and I stopped the tube feedings that also give that oh so delishish urge to get to the bathroom...which was NOT the bad idea I am speaking of. THE bad idea I am speaking of was what I did after the virus started to go away. I hooked up to my Paula Dean (feeding tube pump) and started her back at FULL THROTTLE and added 10 mils an hour, I have some making up to do. OH THAT was the bad idea. I swear I was gonna puke after about 10 minutes. Not so smart. So this chica slowed down...we want back in the race...not to be stopped for muscle cramps please. So now I am slowly upping it...hopefully I will get up to my 60 mils an hour soon and we can get it a little higher. I want it to go higher so I don't have to be hooked 24/7.

Holy Oh My Moley

2010-07-28T21:13:00.002-06:00

OK so I have been absent from the blog world for a while. In fact I have debated in posting this at all. But I guess I need to vent and I perhaps am starting to feel that I need to just find some support of some kind. Or at least let you know where I have been and why I might post some of the things I do.

A few months ago they diagnosed my stomach pains as Superior Mesentaric Artery Syndrome (SMAS). Now you can look it up but the brief explanation is that the artery comes off the aorta and the one goes behind the duodenum and the other in front. There is a fat pad that keeps the two at an angle that allows food to pass through that part of the small intestine. With this syndrome you lose that fat pad and therefore food does not pass through the opening because the artery and aorta squeeze it. Anyhow as a result I had surgery in June to put in a Jejunum feeding tube because the one to go through my nose would not go through the SMA area. During the surgery they also took part of my Jejunum and connected it to my stomach in hopes of giving food another route to pass through. After the surgery I almost died because of a bad reaction to the morphine and a low blood pressure. (I will tell you how I laughed at this afterwards some other time...maybe)

As a result of all of the above I have been in a lot of pain. I don't know what kinds of food I can and cannot eat without being in pain or throwing up. Things have been rough. I don't like people to see that I have a feeding pump but its running 24/7 now and I have to take it most everywhere I go. I try to eat but sometimes end up too sick because of it. I have to take things day to day to even know if I can go somewhere. I have been stuck at home bored out of my mind. My blood pressure has gotten crazy low. I am getting frustrated by a lot of things and I am lonely. I didn't go to an alumni event for fear that people would think this is all eating disorder related when it has nothing to do with it other than my history with AN may have caused the loss of that fat pad.

So sorry this is so serious...but I needed to do the update.

Doggie Love

2010-04-11T13:20:00.003-06:00

Many of you know that I adopted a dog from the shelter in September as my new baby. This new baby has saved my life. For her I am eating better. For her I get up in the morning, well for her and for school, but even without school I get up for her because she is just like my baby and when she needs to go potty I have to take her outside and I do it, no matter how I feel because I don't want her to be in pain from holding it in too long. And for me she cuddles. For me she loves me no matter how I look, or if my hair is combed or if I have scars from all my battles. No she has an undying love for me. Her eyes do not look at me in judgment...unless I have the camera out...she hates the camera which is why I can't get many photos of her. She sees it and she literally runs. But she is adorable. And I love her and she loves me. She has brought me out of my depression and since I have no children I now know what it is like to be a mom. Sort of. A mom to a fur baby, though I have had cats I think she is more like a baby than my cats have ever been. She needs me more than my cats ever have. I am still a cat person but I can now see how people love their dogs even when they need a bath and have doggy breath. This little furball is the love of my life. Now that you saw the video of her figuring out I had the camera out here is the one right before when I was trying to figure out how to use the video...its only 7 seconds but you can see her playing for that 7 seconds with her pink bear that she runs with and shakes around and she is so funny I hope she lets me get more videos and more of her antics on camera because mama wants to capture these things.

Enjoy the Love of my life in Dog form. Maybe one day I will have another love, but for now...she is it and that is just fine with me.

STUPID Comment

2010-04-10T13:20:00.002-06:00

Ok I don't write about this often, heck I don't write often which may be why people don't read this anymore, but its still my outlet and its my blogland peaceful place where I can come and just let loose and no one can really do anything about it to shut me up. And its not rude to say it here where as when this happened the other day there was no point in responding so I had to bite my tongue.
I was in class with a kid who, granted, has issues with social norms and what not, but I don't think I have actually had to count in my head and take a deep breath like that in a long time to prevent me from saying something back because it would have just resulted in an argument and I HATE arguments. So anyhow I was talking to someone and the issue of my cancer came up and the fact that giving up in fighting it is never an option because my mom would practically disown me if I ever gave up...and end up in heaven because I didn't fight or whatever. Anyhow so this kid who was not in the convresation, but this wasn't private so anyone could jump in, because I don't hide the cancer...well I can't hide the cancer...its a little obvious I am different and I just want people to know so they don't stare or speculate their own stories. I hate stares because stares come with judgment. But that is a whole other blog. This kid pipes up that he would rather have cancer than incontinence. WHAT???? Ugh. 1) You don't die from that one. 2) can you really compare problems and say one is worse than another because aren't our problems ginormeous to ourselves anyhow and doesn't it always sort of equal out? Does it really matter if you live one thing or another? Don't we all have something to deal with? Ugh....just stupid.
So there is my rant that eventually got to the point. Sorry I kept getting off track.

Grief and Resolution

2010-04-07T21:58:00.002-06:00

There has been a lot of grief around me lately. Read about, talked about, felt. Raw, painful, burning grief. Its bringing up things for me. Its about that time again and I am in that summer again. My grief coming once again to a head. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to write a blog about it or if I wanted to keep it in therapy and in my journal, private. I wasn't sure because I didn't want to downplay the grief of friends which is so new and so very raw. Mine is rather old, but still very raw. Does one ever find a way to get past that kind of pain and loss? I know I value the life my mom lived. I do remember her life and I am scared that I will forget her...and in some ways that I have forgotten her. But there are lessons she taught me that are a part of who I am and will never leave my being.

I released a balloon for sweet precious baby Kendall today. I remember the joy her mom had feeling her grow. The smile it brought to Brie's life. While I keep people distant and don't have close friends here in Utah or really anywhere anymore I feel close to Brie because of her blog. I hate to see her in pain...I watched that balloon fly and thought of the brief life Kendall had here and how much joy that little baby had in the short time she was here. I also thought about the joy one person can bring. I saw something...we all bring joy to someone. We all have an effect on someone else. And when we are gone we will all be remembered by someone whether its down here or someone who is already home, waiting for us. My mom loved babies. My mom is already home. And I sent her a balloon too. I told her a lot in my letter that I sent with the balloon...a lot that I will not share here, but I asked her to look for Kendall and make sure that baby has as many people to hold her and love her until her mom can be with her to do it. I asked her to help Kendall watch and wait and have fun and play. To make sure she smiles and smiles a lot, laughs and laughs a lot, and above all else to know that she has a mommy that loves her like nothing else and that one day her mommy will be with her too and her mommy will smile and laugh and love her a lot.

I made a resolution...I don't know that I am going to share my letters. But Brie and Stef have inspired me to start a journal, a separate physical journal of just letters to mom. I need to find a way to remember the life and to let go of the pain. And I need to find a way to release the physical pain.

Bullied to Death

2010-04-01T17:43:00.004-06:00

In the news they speak of teen suicide rates rising because of bullies. Their inability to escape the bullies when they go home because of texting, facebook, twitter, and other cyber options to torment. The internet can be a weapon. Words can be a weapon and they should be used carefully. Many kids I am sure hear the news of the suicide of someone they bullied and are regretting their actions and their words.

I feel connected to these dead teens and preteens. These precious children who were never given a chance because children and people in general can be cruel.
I was almost one of the casualties.
So many times I tried and failed to escape.
I am glad that I did not succeed for the most part.

I am saddened to hear about these increasing deaths
I think it is so important for them to be remembered
and
for parents and adults to take action.
Teach your children about the power of words
Don't teach prejudice,
Teach about kindness and teach about empathy
as we do not want to be responsible for anothers death
neither do we want our children to have to live with the fact that they used words to seek an escape from a world and a life where there is none.

If I could eat I would go after...

2010-03-07T19:01:00.002-07:00

So being that it seems so close and yet so far I thought I would make a list of, ironically, the food I want to be able to eat again. I know...its strange but I thought it would motivate me a little...to last just a little longer.

Salad
Wheat Thins
Nuts
Dried Fruit
Fried Shrimp
Fried Clams
Hard Cheeses
Veggies---raw
Schnitzel
German Potato Salad
Hot Dogs
Sandwiches
French Bread
Lobster
Popcorn
Corn on the Cob
Fresh Fruit
Potato Pancakes
Crepes
French Fries

I am sure that there are more and my mind can dream on and on of what I want when I have new teeth. But currently they are still undecided on if its even possible, but there is still hope, so I will go with that until I hear otherwise.

POOOOOOOO

2010-02-17T22:03:00.002-07:00

OK so first off don't drag your rear when you need to use the restroom. PLEASE!!! I am begging you. Today I ran from class because I HAD to POO...like seriously. I go in and head to the back stall because as my blog-friend Brie has an ocd issue with pee air I have one with poo air. I know it sounds stupid but I CANNOT stand to be around poo for any longer than I have to...which makes owning a dog a hard job....ewww, ewwww, ewwwwies. Anyhow...last stall....OCCUPIED. Stun for me. So I go ahead and cram into the normal stall which by the way I should have though about its location before jamming myself into it...I know my legs aren't as long as some but they are uncomfy in those stalls. So as I am making pooing sounds I hear this person next to me and all I can imagine is what the heck are they thinking and ewies I am near my poo. That thought is what the hell are they dooooooing over there because I am in close proximity to my poo and for as bad as I had to go I am DONE why aren't they. Then I had to stand close to the toilet and wait more waiting for them to dilly dally at the sink doing heaven only knows before I finally hear the door shut....to which I had to ubrubtly open the door and kick the flusher to flee before the poo was dissapated in the air and I breathed it in and it contaminated more than my clothes and skin which I had to scrub forever at the sink....thank heavens my school has hot water.

Near Breaking Point

2010-01-10T14:16:00.002-07:00

So I am on vacation trying to catch up on homework and trying to get myself back on track with recovery. I slipped off track a while back and just stayed hidden because I was ashamed and because I am at a point where I feel like I don't feel like I have anyone anyhow. I am pretty scared of the people that I do have around me as it is.

I was talking to my dad today and something popped out of my mouth that I am not sure that even I realized and I almost started to have a nervous breakdown right then and there...I admire my mom's strength in all her trials with her illness and her ability to get through it...but she had someone to lean on...she wasn't alone. I am. And I am tired of being alone. I just don't know how much longer I can handle all the medical crap on my own...at least mom had dad...dad rescued her. I don't have someone to save me. I have to save myself, and I don't know if I am up to that anymore.

Left

2009-10-22T20:17:00.002-06:00

I feel fired. I wasn't but it feels like it all the same.

Moving wards has changed who is helping me see my team. Unfortunately with all the anxiety I have gotten stuck between them and as of today it means I have no team. All I have is the state mental health help that comes from being on disability...which is not up to par nor does it include the dietitian.

I was already depressed. I feel the beginnings of a slide that I have been trying not to let happen despite my being tired and all the medical crap landing in the way.

What am I supposed to do now?

I mean there is a chance that I will go back eventually....but how long and will I be able to hold out on the assault my brain throws at me in that time period?

I am so depressed right now.

The Ultimatum

2009-10-22T11:21:00.002-06:00

So my dietitian H gave me lots of homework over this past month or so as I have slid a little. More as like I have become stuck...no forward or backward motion. I had trouble doing the homework and each week she kept adding more. I giggled about not getting it done when I really wanted to say I feel stupid for not being able to put down the answers I know she wants. Those same answers I have used in the past to get through treatment, to at least get people off my back...but I just couldn't put anything down I didn't see as true. Still won't. Instead we spoke of how my medical issues are making food boring, bland, and all the same texture. Texture is a big thing to me...I need changes. Flavors and textures are staying the same. Its easier for me to not eat when I can't make a change because I have no teeth. Anyhow so what did I get but more homework. Now to buy more foods and try new recipes and such. And near the end of that session I was told not to come back until I had all the homework done. I wanted to cry. I have never been given an ultimatum in my treatment. Never been told I had to do something or could not come back. I think I took it as a form or firing because last week I decided to go to the ER for my asthma but waited until the day of my appointment to do it. And this week I just flat out canceled it.

And now I am sliding, and now I am caring less in an I still care kind of way. I am ashamed to say that I need a break or I don't care. I even started to ask the cancer docs for a new feeding tube because I do not know how much longer I can keep putting food in my mouth and swallowing.

I can say this....when I see people eat real food I am jealous. I want to be able to chew my food so I am not choking and I want to be able to actually enjoy something...its like the old saying back from the AN days is true...and that it all really is the same and there is no point in trying the new stuff cause its all bland and mushy and gross anyhow.

My Baby Hope

2009-09-21T20:22:00.003-06:00

I look like crap in this photo but isn't she beautiful??? I have had her for 5 days and she is so so sweet. Lives up to her name which is Hope. She is 3 years old and I rescued her from the shelter. So needless to say the apartment people approved for me to have a service/companion dog with me. She loves to cuddle and she does give me a little hope sometimes. So far no allergic reaction to her...could be my allergy meds are working well but it seems no asthma reaction either. Ones things for sure she is waking me up every morning. Its a good thing for me thats for sure.

MOVED!!!

2009-09-11T21:25:00.003-06:00

In my new place at least I have boxes to the ceiling. And the dishes are not put away....blah.

I am too anemic to put them away or wash them....because I can't put them away without washing them....although what I have washed is in the cabinet without the liner....the cutting of the liner is more work than I can do at the moment. I have no energy and I am so dizzy when I stand up.

AND...I finally got my internet and cable....just in time for most of the season openers of my shows. But just having internet is so important. The company made me wait a week to get someone out here...its just too long a wait for someone who lives alone. So I read and read and read.

And not much sleep. And I will be honest and say I have not been eating like I should but my stomach is not happy with food and the no teeth at the moment makes it an issue. Add to that the chewing I try to do causes so much pain. Unfortunately this is triggering some ED thoughts, though these are just recently but they are enough and they scare a little since I am so worried about a relapse. And to top it off H could not see me this week...so yea...its gonna be hard.

YUM YUM YUM!!!

2009-08-25T23:19:00.002-06:00

Perhaps we should take an example from this happy little kitty. Not just her own but her sister's as well. (I hate always assuming everything is a boy so I am avoiding it this time...perhaps I should have said her brother's but I won't). She is thoroughly enjoying this food.

AND she made ME smile.

My day has been hectic today. I did not want to get up when my alarm went off at 10 and therefore was woken by the doorbell to let my home nurse come check on me today to see how my wound was healing. I think I will just be seeing her at the hospital now since I am obviously up and about now. Then got a phone call from work telling me that my fingerprints had to be in today by a certain time or I would not be allowed to work...well I thought about going to the one in Orem but opted to go to the one I went to before in Provo. Since I had to drive to Provo to turn in my fingerprints again. But guess what...THEY weren't doing them today so I had to turn around and come back to Orem to get them done. Then drive BACK to Provo to turn them in. By the time I was done I had to run to an appointment to have a walk-through with the maintenance guy at my new pad. Then run to meet with housing to sign the lease and get the keys. After that I ran to meet with my caseworker at 2 pm and by this time I NEEDED food and my tummy doth protesteth to that much work without any sustenance which I proceeded to tell her and she kindly offered me her banana. I was very happy. It was soft food that I could eat...granted I had to mush it a little to make it softer but hey it worked. I just wish I had left the peel on to do the mushing. After seeing her I went upstairs to see the Psychiatrist (more later on that meeting) After him I went by the DMV to get my handicap placard for the car. Finally from there I came home. I should have stopped at the pharmacy to pick up the new meds and refills and what not but that meant another 40 minutes or more between me and my food which I could only eat at home since 1) I went to the Bombay House yesterday and lately thats the only place I can think of to eat besides Zupas and I am a tad sick of soup, plus I think its too hot for soup...and I didn't want to be around their dinner crowd since it was now 4:28. So I drove home and finally and I do mean FINALLY ate. And my tummy was happy BUT BUT BUT since I waited to long I had to fit A LOT in (or I thought I did and I hate Boost and other supplements SOOOO much I just did it) so I ate and ate and ate and then my tummy was no longer happy....just full and very upset. On a good note I finally made the brownies I bought with my dietitian that she challenged me to make and I ate some. Two actually but in the third bite of the second one I wanted to hurl...I can't decide if that was related to my fear of them or if its something else. I would list the other food but I am afraid to trigger anyone...as it is I am questioning if I have said too much or what...I never know and its a touchy thing...blah.

Psychiatrist Take Two

That is actually a double edged title. Its the second time in this post that I spoke of it, and I saw a different psych last week. SHE was an utter BOOBY BOOB. But I think that should be another blog. This is getting long already. So this new guy took his time with me and tried to get a real feel for what I was dealing with and how he could help me. He reminded me of the psych I had back in Texas that I never really liked but started to like him near the end. Anyhow we spent an hour and at the end he still did not try to give me labels. He did ask me what past things were and what not and we touched on OCD mostly because I was at a loss and forgot to mention some of the things I did when I have bad episodes of it. All he has written down was washing and that I do things in threes and that I do checking behaviors. But I left out the whole arena of things that have to be certain ways and the cleaning I do though I suppose that goes with washing...but despite the cleaning I do when I am sick its sad how much I don't do it when I am not...its pathetic really.

Anyhow before you threaten to never read my blog again I shall cease and desist. Hugs...

Eleven Years Ago...

2009-08-03T18:10:00.003-06:00

I was sitting at the table drawing a self portrait. Adding tears where I had been conveying a happy image...not understanding why. But having been in art a long time and usually letting my mind and hands do their own thing when I created I went with the flow. When suddenly the phone rang and made me jump in my seat. I answered it a little confused...with a "hello?"

My father was on the other end but the words he spoke made no sense to me. "Andrew N---- is dead." My stunned reply was "Who" Because my mind could not accept the person he was saying...so he repeated himself but this time using Andy instead of Andrew and that made it break the barrier my mind was trying to throw up. A wall against this pain. "Not again" my brain was trying to say. Its only been a month. Stunned I slid down the cracked glass of the back door and I could hear my dad asking to speak to my brother. I vaguely recall telling him that C had gone to work. Upon hearing that I was home alone dad said he would be home in a couple hours. I proceeded to hang up the phone.

I could think of only one place to go.

I ran out the front door screaming...and kicked the tree. I felt no pain. I continued across the street. My friends father was outside and had heard me scream. One look at my face and the tears streaming down it and he just said..., "Annie is in her room..." I went inside and knocked on her door. She held me as I cried...she barely awake and in nothing but her bra and and shorts because Texas heat allows little relief when your AC is barely working.

I repeated over and over that he was only 16 and it was too soon. Why on earth would God ask so much from one family. We were losing too many people at once. She just rocked me back and forth and stroked my hair. We stayed like that until dad got home.

I wanted to leave right away. I needed to be with my family. But my brother and dad said it was no use and we should get things prepared rather than be hasty. We would be of no use until the funeral. I didn't care.

When we did get there...preparing for the funeral was a nightmare. People tried to hide the newspaper from us. Tried to protect us. This little town put the accident pictures on the front page. My oldest brother went out and got one anyhow...somehow. We saw the front page. The car was a pancake. An image that made anxiety fill my mind at the thought of driving. As well as panic fill my body at the mere sight of a wreck.

The day of the funeral I was a mess. It was open casket. Still looking down on my favorite cousin I did not see MY Andy. I did not see his nose. I kept saying over and over that it wasn't him. That they made a mistake.

The entire time we were there I was learning the streets of this little town that he had called home. This little town that I could not understand. I learned them footstep by footstep. I went running through the cemetery and by the high school. Places he had surely been. This town that I blamed for taking him. I would see those wooden football helmets outside his teammates houses and I was wondering why they weren't driving that day. Or why they had not been the ones confused about practice that morning. I wanted them dead instead of my Andy. And for that I felt guilty. So I had to go down another street. Try to get away from those thoughts...of wanted someone else dead.

I learned back then that life was not fair.
Tears are hard to cry...but sometimes holding them back does more damage than letting them fall.

Forgetful Sometimes

2009-07-30T20:26:00.002-06:00

I forget. A LOT.

I forget to pick up my sunglasses on the way out the door.
I forget people's names.
I forget my appointments.
I forget to call and make new appointments.
I sometimes even forget that I forgot to call and make a new appointment.
But sometimes worst of all is I forget to take my medications.

As a result my hair is falling out and I am always tired and I am not getting hunger cues at all some days. Why you ask...what medicine could do all that damage...well its a stupid hormone replacement medication for my stupid missing thyroid gland. Lovely thing to forget too because it takes almost 6 weeks to get it back on board.

Also as a result I have not gotten my seizure meds up to the dosage they are meant to be at so I am still having seizures. I keep missing that blasted morning dose...because of course I can only remember meds that I take at NIGHT as they help with my insomnia. Of course the seizure activity scares me out of my mind when it happens and then I get so sleepy I can't handle that day. Add to that that I get confused and easily can't remember things.
Bleh.

Why can't the PILLS remind us to take them? Somehow? Or why can't someone make a device that tells me to take my meds...like built into a watch or something? Except of course the problem with this is that I do NOT like to get up in the morning and THAT is my main problem really. Since my surgery it has been near impossible to get out of bed. Sometimes I sleep almost ALL flipping day. Its just wrong...and weird.

Mirror, ,rorriM

2009-06-29T13:03:00.006-06:00

I have been doing a lot of reflection as per my therapist's request to decide who I am...what objects would represent who I am today...what kinds of items would I display if I were to replace my safety items (ie. scale, diet pills, razor... ED items that I have that are no good but I need around me for some reason) This was in regards to my Secrets post that I let my T read thanks to B's suggestion. For some reason I didn't want her to read it but at the end of my session I went ahead and let her see them...whatever.

Anyhow I digress. As I keep trying to figure out what would be me now. What objects would comfort me if I were distressed...in a GOOD way as defined by those around me...and objectively I know they are right but why does GOOD feel so BAD? And it appears that even in Blogging I cannot stay on this subject of who I am because deflection is what I do best. I know how to get off topic. I do it best in therapy too...which is sad...but yea...question gets asked and by the end of the session therapist realizes question was NEVER answered....*shrugs*. I am trying to break the habit but its hard when you start to squirm at the idea of even getting on the subject of said question.

I mirror. There I said it. I do not know who I am or what I represent because I mirror people. I tend to take what I like about someone else and I start to act like that. I have done it in treatment and in school and all my life. I even pick up the dialect and dress style...behavior, whatever of someone that for some reason or another I seem to admire. Admire in good or bad ways it doesn't matter. I even do this with fictional characters from my books. My escapes. Its part of how my imagination grew as a child. I BECAME my characters...perhaps thats why I hated Nancy Drew books so much...for some reason becoming her was not fun for me. Her crime solving and Mystery sleuthness did not help me fears at night or my need to escape. Instead I ran into Anne McCaffrey, Tamora Peirce, and the good old size 6 sweet valley high twins. Of the twins I never decided who I prefered to be either...so I tried to be BOTH. No wonder I am confused when I tried to be so many people...so many things. So...what does that make me? Because I do not think its appropriate to display a mirror as who I am...especially since its so damn hard to use the mirror as it is. Besides who wants to say "I am the parts of you that I like"? I just want to be ME. I want a ME that has a STRONG sense of who I am and what I want to represent. I am tired of being in the mirror...so...what pill do I take to get out??? Exactly HOW does this Alice get out of the mirror?

Micheal Jackson and Farrah Fawcett

2009-06-26T10:15:00.005-06:00

Its hard to think we have lost two stars. Micheal Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.

Farrah Fought cancer and lost. She became a voice to those who were having to fight their cancer. A voice that said keep fighting. She will be greatly missed for all she contributed to in this life.

Not that I want Micheal to overshadow her in this blog, but we have to admit that his death comes at quite a shock. More so than Farrah who while she looked fine 2 weeks ago is dead now...Micheal, had mo reports of medical problems whatsoever. Now I know something of death and how it comes up. The two weeks ago thing is something I know all about. Its how my mom died. Same with the dead without medical problems. But that death for me was in a car crash. I feel sad for Micheal's children. I wonder what will happen to them now and honestly I was to a point of questioning Micheal's sanity anyhow so I now question if his children might be better off. But at the same time at what cost? Micheal was a great artist and many great artists have problems. His art will be missed and the icon he became will probably last the test of time just like Elvis. In fact I wonder if people will say Micheal didn't really die either...but having a Micheal look a like with all that plastic surgery would be hard to create in my opinion.

UPDATE: My cat let me pet her a couple times yesterday. So maybe I am not quite disowned yet.

DISOWNED

2009-06-25T16:08:00.002-06:00

I think my little girl...my cat has DISOWNED me. She did not want to sleep with me last night. I have been home for a day and she has only let me touch her 3 times. She runs from me. I hope this will change soon. Last time I was home it didn't take her this long to get over her "I am Mad at you mama" phase. But maybe the fact that I spent another 2 years away from her may have made her angrier. But here is what is funnier...she is FAT. A serious chubs. I am pretty sure she weighs a good 15 to 20 pounds and she is not a big cat. Her size length wise is really not that long. She used to look like a kitten but really no way does she now. She is very VERY rotund.

Whats so great about teeth?

2009-06-19T12:23:00.004-06:00

EVERYTHING!!!

I want them NOW. I do NOT want to wait another 6 months to a year. Why...WHY does tis have to be so damn hard. Worse...I want to yoink the PEG. ITs been in for over a year and I don't use it anymore. So yea...I am going to just take it out myself. Either today or tomorrow. Dad wants me to talk to H about it before I do it or go to my gastro doc but I know how to take it out both the right and the wrong way.

So I have this thing against guys who don't have the balls to admit that they don't want to see you again. Worse they call you back and say they will call you later and they never do. But the weird feeling started after he learned that I have no teeth. But today has been the suckiest day ever because of this stupid boy. He calls me back at 12:30 and says he will call and we will do something after he does his homework. Now its almost 10 pm and I called him around 8ish and he says he had to go buy his parents a new computer and they are making him transfer the things over which I know can take a long time and all because I have done this kind of thing before and I grew up with my dad and such. But...but this is where I am getting annoyed...he didn't call to tell me he had to go do this...but we were supposed to go hang out and do something and it really feels like hes blowing me off since he found out about my teeth. Which sucks because he wasn't scared by my surgery or by the word cancer...but he appears to be really running from the idea that I am deformed even though I will have surgery to put teeth back in my mouth at some point. GAH...if only he had not flipping asked about eating pizza...he could really get to know me before finding that out...then again if he tried to kiss me it might have become suddenly apparant and that would have been even more awkward. Its better that he found out without kissing me because then I would have kissed him and that would have just been too hard. I am SOOO glad I stuck to my rules about kissing guys on first dates and such. The first date with him was soo long though that I almost broke it...glad I stuck to my guns on that. Who wants to kiss someone who pulls the crap I went through today. No Thank You. That is all I have to say. But no worries...I get the message. Hes Just Not That Into Me....and my No teeth.

(I know a lot of this is probably my own little insecurities but its still really hard to handle after a day like today. I kept doing self talk to get my mind away from this subject but to be honest it really blows. We had a fun couple of dates...and then he turns into a jerk who can't tell me the truth about not wanting to see me again...instead he makes plans to see me then proceeds to blow me off.)

I AM JUST NOT INTO THAT!!!

Secrets

2009-06-14T05:52:00.005-06:00

I am fascinated by secrets. Mostly by post secrets. I have so many I could post. I wonder if its the anonymity of it that makes it easier to tell of if its the release of the secret that makes people want to tell them. Is there really a release? Its a question I have about a lot of things. So I thought I would post some secrets...though I am scared to do this actually...terrified really. I am worried that if I post them I will come back and delete them anyway. But without trying its hard to say what will happen.

I have a few secrets that are ED related and some that are Depression related...I want to post a possible trigger warning here so that you do not read further until I post the end trigger.

I have a scale. I do not use my scale...but it helps with the anxiety and I can't let it go.
Worse I have diet pills and razors as well...again, I do not use them but I just have to have them around me for the just in case. For some reason I always think there will be a time when nothing else will work...and I am terrified that day will happen every moment of every day.
I get scared of my own reflection so I avoid mirrors half the time...because of this I have not worn make up since my surgery in November and I have not fixed my hair beyond a ponytail either.
I have a suicide plan...and the only thing that keeps me attached to this world is how much I know losing me would hurt my daddy. And I can't hurt him anymore.
I don't think I am a good person...I think I am a one sided friend so I tend to stay away from relationships so that I am not the "Selfish" friend. I don't think I know how to contribute to a friendship anymore.
I think my medical problems will never end...and therefore I will always be poor, always be alone, and always have a sinking feeling about life.
I have panic attacks in crowds because I worry about what the men are doing to me in their heads.
I have nightmares about the abuse and when I don't take my sleeping pills I remember them and that is the real reason I am scared of not taking my meds at night...and also the only reason I can remember to take my night meds and why I always forget to take my morning meds.

END TRIGGER

I feel like I killed her...even to this day and even though I know the world, and God don't work that way.
I really do love people and love being around them, I just pretend that I don't
I love animals because they don't judge me and they are always there to protect me from the real monsters in my world
I don't like admitting I am sick because I have spent too much time in the doctors office or the ER only to be told there is nothing anyone can do to help me feel better because I always make a "challenging" case.
I HATE being the "sick one" at church and at school and everywhere I go.
I wish I was the kind of crazy that wasn't aware of how crazy I seem to everyone else around me.
I don't know how to tell people how I am REALLY feeling because I don't even know that answer.

Now I can't really say how this is going to make me feel posting these...but opening up is hard for me and maybe getting it out is what the doctor ordered...who knows. For now I will post this...it may be deleted in an hour...I don't know. I hope I have the courage to just leave it posted.

Screws

2009-06-09T12:28:00.002-06:00

I know that just sounds blatently vulgar and at this point maybe I meant it to. So there has been a new pain in my jaw the past month and it flipping hurts so much sometimes I don't want to do anything. Well I had a CT today to make sure the plate wasn't broken...by the way does anyone know why they put titanium in us if it breaks? And how come titanium inside us can break but if we tried bending a titanium rod there is no way for shiz that it would break? Anyhow...mine is lucky in that it did NOT break. BUT BUT BUT...one of the screws is backing out of my bone...and that is what is causing the pain. So I am being screwed. I have to decide now if the pain is bad enough to undergo a procedure to put a new one in. For now the doc gave me some pain pills. Thats the good thing about it...I get to be doped up a little sometimes. Of course who wants to rely on pain meds to feel like they can go about their daily grind? In the meantime I am going to go home for a few weeks at the end of this month and that is making me happy.

Also I should update everyone on my home status since I have found some new digs and its a great little room in a house with a lady that has two dogs and a cat who had kittens. Its pretty much perfect for me for now and I really appreciate everything it offers. Its confortable and of course the animals being around is an awesome feeling for me...it actually eases the depression some and even the anxiety. I actually had a day where I felt OK...and OK feels pretty good when you have been moping around all the time for so long. Granted it didn't last a full 24 hours but I will take what I can get even if it is just a few hours or so.

Anyhow I am going to see about sending some times to a friend to see if we can work something out to hang before I leave Utah for a much needed vacay...then I am taking me and my headache and laying it on a pillow in hopes that it will go away long enough for me to finish this book I am reading so I can go to the library tomorrow.

Frustration and honesty??

2009-05-26T18:18:00.003-06:00

I am SOOOO frustrated with trying to find somewhere to stay. I am SCARED. and I am freaking out because I am failing to find somewhere to stay while this whole housing crap goes on. Who knew that knowing people was so important and that my staying so damn isolated would cause so much frustration. All my friends are from my ward and well...its a singles ward that is a byu ward and all have these little parts in the contract that says a guest cannot stay more than a couple nights. Go figure. Why do I have to be so scared and isolative when it comes to people. Why is it so hard for me to reach out and let people get to know me? Well maybe because I don't like me so I can't see how anyone else would like me. No matter how someone says they feel about me I always think that in the back of it all there is something about me that they can't stand and so they are just pretending that I am a good person...worth having as a friend or whatever. I know...this is drama queen things and I don't ever want to voice these thoughts and it makes me wonder why the HECK I am posting it but what the hell...I have nothing to lose anymore. I will NEVER be who I thought I would grow up to be. I am not even sure I will grow up. And soon I will get to add true homelessness to my list of accomplishments in this life. I am FRUSTRATED with me. I am FRUSTRATED with life in general. I am not sure there is even a POINT to my being alive.

OK...so what I am writing next worries me a tad. Is it honest to sign up for a contract where the first 2 weeks get waived so you can "say" you are staying with someone...and that you are homeless but you really do have a contract...just to tell the housing people that you are homeless? And how would you feel if the person advising you to do this is your church leader sortof? How do you go back and tell said church person that you aren't comfortable with that type of setting...and that you feel it is not HONEST??? And would not God want you to be HONEST? So if God tells this person how to handle things...how is it coming out that you are being told to be what you feel is dishonest?

SO FRUSTRATED!!!!

Homeless

2009-05-17T09:31:00.003-06:00

Well I have less than 2 weeks to find someplace to stay. I don't know that I can afford much, and to make matters worse I am having trouble with my disability and medical coverage that is making things worse. I am hoping if I can find just someplace to stay for a little while while I try to find some housing or apply for it or whatever because I know this next year is going to be rough with more surgery and crap...less work. I feel like my life is falling apart but I am stuck in Utah where I have no one because of my medical problems. It really sucks.

Stress is making eating harder but I am still doing it, though everything tastes like cardboard and hits my stomach like a rock. Its hard to swallow.

I am still having the headaches.
I am now having pain in my jaw but so far its only lasted two days so I am hoping it goes away. I really need help. I feel so lost right now.

Old people...can't are not always easy

2009-05-04T18:15:00.002-06:00

TO DEAL WITH!!!!

They can not hear
They can not see
They can not understand a word I say
They can not let me sleep
They can not stay clean
They stop smelling
Did I mention they can't hear...which makes my head hurt which makes it hard to sleep...
Well I can't sleep with any noise anyway but this is just ten times worse.
I am trying to stay here to get better....how am I supposed to get better when I do not feel good and I can't get the sleep I need to feel good anyhow.

I need a new plan. This one is failing. Its not like they eat the same as me anyway. They have teeth...They are loud and obnoxious and I just want to get away from them. This is tearing up the patience I have...not helping it. I need out of this fast.

So where do I live now? I can't find an apartment or anything that will work. I need to leave though...I need to get out of this mess.

On to other rants and raves...

This girl was just diagnosed with Rickets.
Yes I said Rickets.
Yes I live in the good old USA and yes I am older than 3.

I still have rickets. What is up with that.

Shockingly though...this psychiatrist has a new idea...he thinks I am not a crazy person. He thinks I have medical problems that caused depression and became a cycle and that I need to be treated as such instead of being treated like someone with borderline personality disorder. Which you know...is a frustration that we all get as people with eating disorders. Especially those of us who also have medical problems. Anyhow...yea...I like his idea...it fits...but part of it is off....but whatever. When things get better for me its usually from someone who tells me things are not what they appear to be...or that I do not need to be this way. I desperately need this to be true.

Head Pain

2009-04-28T18:19:00.003-06:00

I think I am overly paranoid. More often than not I can tell when something big is about to strike so I start trying to find out what is wrong. Which is how things are going now...I am scared out of my mind at the symptoms I am having pop up and the ones that have yet to pop up. I want to know whats wrong before it gets so bad that I have no choice but to go home to be taken care of by my dad. I am oddly terrified. So I ran into my neurologist and we ordered tests and we will see what happens. I have had a migraine for around 3 weeks with some balance, coordination, and strange hot wire or seizure type feelings in my head. Its all kind of odd and it freaks me out. I am scared that I have cancer somewhere, but at the same time pretty sure we don't need to worry about that. I am worried that my seizures have gotten worse or that my migraines are causing seizure symptoms...which makes me wonder what the migraines are coming from. I hate it. I am seriously getting paranoid. I started researching every little symptom I have had since my surgery in November....since there is no trust between me and the hospital that did the surgery given what happened after the procedure.

I have meds to try and get rid of this stupid migraine...that will hopefully knock this monster out of my head...that would be nice. I won't whine about all the rest because I really, really do not want to whine anymore. Hugs to all...I miss you...

Congrats Sav on your beautiful little boy and that he got to come home. You are so lucky to have such a cute little man.

SNOWW!!!

2009-04-16T15:43:00.002-06:00

And not just some small amount. We got dumped on. Like a foot and a half or something. Its the middle of April and we got buried. That is so uncool. I don't want the cold anymore. I want some sunshine and some heat to come around. Granted not a lot of heat but I do want spring to be here.

I won't mope around but I have not been feeling top notch. I am tired all the time and I hate how I just don't seem to ever feel well. I have been the sick one since before I moved to Utah 3 years ago but since I got here thats all people know about me. It sucks...like royally sucks. Anyhow...tired and I am going to take a nap for now...I work tonight. The Joy of a graveyard shift job.

Woes and please don't make me go...

2009-04-01T21:33:00.003-06:00

"SEVERE POUTS"

So 3 days ago I walk into my wound care appointment and find out that my blood pressure is only 86 over 47. It was quite a shock but given that lately I don't always make it over 100 I pushed it back at my nurse telling her since it went up when I stood up and that I am drinking and eating lets not worry about it yet. And at that point fever was only 99.7...which is like someone else having 100 but again I hate going to a doctor for anything else than what I have to do already.

Today a new spin gets put on things as my temp is now 100.2 and my lovely blood pressure is 106 over 65...but my pulse was 49. I made the machine alarm. So I made her take it again twice...but it only got up to 52. She almost insisted on me going across the street asap. I got her to put it off until tomorrow. I am hoping it gets better. She made me promise not to use caffeine to do it though. So now I am scared of ending up at the doctors office. I am hoping she lets me wait until I can get in to see my cardiologist but I afraid she may not.

BECAUSE...I also seem to be passing a kidney stone. I have had them before and the pain is ginormous. But I still have pain meds from my surgery...but they are running out fast and I may need something to get me through this. On top of all that I have spasms all over my body and I have had fatigue like nothing else I have ever seen. I have had to take at least one nap, most often two every day for the past two weeks. On top of it all I am dizzy for the past three days. And migraines at least twice a week.

And since I am having a whine fest I am going to add to it because I CAN...

Panic.
Anxiety.
Depression.
Fear.

Attacks of crying and fear and anxiety, in places where I should feel safe. I am avoiding places where there are either lots of people or men or anything I think might cause an attack. I am becoming scared of myself. Scared of pretty much everything and everyone.

I am sick of being sick. I just want to be better. I want a normal life...or at least a chance to be happy. For once...I would like to be happy.

Ok...thats enough of a pity party.

I am sorry I have been away for so long from blogging. I will try to be better and post more. I promise.

Moving...doctors and more

2009-03-13T18:51:00.004-06:00

I hate moving. I hate the packing. I hate trying to do it while everyone else is not. I hate that I have no one to help me. I hate that I am having to move everything into a storage facility while I have to move into an assisted living center.

I went to SLC today to see my ENT guy who did my jaw surgery. The first thing he said was I lost weight. Strange thing is...I haven't lost actual poundage since I last saw him and he thinks I have lost tons. What I have lost though which is strange and I cannot for the life of me figure out lost size. This is seen from clothing and from people's comments because I am at a loss for seeing it myself. To imagine this time it started with me being very suicidal. Also fun times with pneumonia...its great. So since I have the nasty bugger for a second time I get to do a barium swallow study in a week or so. It should be great fun.

I am tired of everything right now. Tired of being sick and tired of being in pain. Anyhow...thats it for an update for now.

ICK!!

2009-03-04T22:52:00.003-07:00

Long story short is that I was in the psych unit in the hospital for 3 weeks. Whilst in there I got pneumonia among other things. We treated...sort of...and I left still sick but barely. Today I started to wheeze and my chest was hurting. My cough has gotten funky and I think I have been aspirating on everything. Its really hard to breathe...period. Plus I am starting to get a fever...yay....and my nose is snotting....clear drippy snot though...so not supposedly sick snot...though we also had allergies blow in so they are NOT helping. And I have that all over ickyness that comes with being sick and a headache that is not too bad yet anyhow.

I am not going back to school. I am sorry this is a total funk fest.

I am tired...going to bed. Hugs.

Tattling

2009-02-02T21:28:00.002-07:00

So I am super scared of my thoughts as of lately. Its a scary thing being in my head and everything that passes by so fast and I have to catch it all and suddenly its all too much. Its like there is all this pressure pressing me into this crepe that is way to thin so its starting to be see-through kinda thing. There is not enough of me to go around anymore. I am way to depressed.

Soooooo---- I told on myself.

I went on a ward temple trip on Saturday. I went with the questions in my heart about what I need to do...I need to know where to find strength. Strange enough the impression is to ask for help and let them put me in the hospital for a little while to get my brain back in the game. I just am not strong enough to keep going. So I emailed my therapist with at least part of this info so that I can't chicken out and not do it tomorrow. I see my D and my T tomorrow and well...I am scared. Worried as all get out. But after too many visits to the ER and too many episodes of ending up confused and on the floor crying I can't keep going like this...I just can't. I suddenly find myself wondering how my mom ever did this. Living and being so sick at the same time. She never gave up...as my dad said her body gave up before she did. I always thought I was stubborn and just like her but I am starting to wonder about that. I just wish I was.

So...here is to becoming a tattletale.

Black Bleak

2009-01-30T11:33:00.003-07:00

Things are bleak.

I am trying so hard to eat and to live life without being dragged down.

I contracted to do things and yet I can't seem to keep the contract. What do I do from here? Is there any hope of staying out of the hospital at this point...and when should I consider myself at risk of hurting myself when my thoughts veer around negativity like a moth flies around a flame.

I do not like where I am or who I am. I cannot see anything getting better anytime soon if ever. Everyone wants money from me, I need to do well in school, I need to live a rounder life, but how when there is no motivation. I am having a hard time even getting out of bed at this point. I don't know how to get out of this right now.

It Must Be Said....ranting ahead

2009-01-22T09:39:00.003-07:00

Strong. Everyone says I am strong. That I keep moving forward and handle all the tough things that get thrown at me so well. THEY ARE WRONG. W-R-O-N-G, WRONG!!! I cannot handle everything. And in fact have been hiding how much I am crumbling for over a year now. I have been toughing it out and pretending its all ok...well, its not ok, and I am not ok. So I wish people would quit saying the cliche sayings. I am not strong. God does not give us our problems and therefore cannot control...the whole giving you more than you can handle. No God I know and worship would give this much crap to one person. And as far as I can tell He would give people a break...or at least start to make things balance out and get better at some point. It is not happening. Life really sucks right now, and I know no one wants to hear me say that, but it does. I really hate to admit all this...but it must be said.

WARNING!!!

2009-01-02T16:16:00.002-07:00

Its pretty sad to look at that picture. But that feels like how I feel. I am NOT trying to get anyone to sympathize so please do not try to tell me its all ok and good.

I am scared of myself right now and that is enough to make me want to cry. I am too scared to let my dad know how bad this is and I am scared to acknowledge the severity of it all to myself.

I do not know if I am actually trying to give up or if I am just tired of everything. Food is too hard. Even water is hard. Heck the easy things are even too hard right now and that doesn't even make sense. I should not be able to fall this far this fast. I feel like I am taking a header straight off the side of a cliff.

Please do not see this as some dark cry for attention or that I want your sympathy or anything. I am just saying what needs to be said. If my posts seem a bit strange or a bit tainted by this Effing eating disorder and all it does to my brain this is why...so I thought I should give some ounce of warning to those of you who do read up on this. I am struggling and its not turning into a pretty fight right now.

New Years Resolutions!!!

2009-01-01T08:45:00.002-07:00

Well Happy New Year Everyone. I hope you were safe in all the fun you had last night and yesterday and I really hope no one has this huge hangover today or anything like that.

Now in all good new years traditions I MUST come up with some new years resolutions. I thought about these for almost a day....off and on which may amount to about 30 minutes (maybe)
1. Get over my stupid eating disorder (and I do say that with all the gusto it needs, but we all know its not as easy as it sounds and while I am attempting there is some sarcasm here since this is the one that EVERYONE expects me to say and all that jazz. In the same line I really would like to be over this...I wish it had never been a part of my life.
2. To quit avoiding people and try to do things with people more. ( I seem to have become a hermit and that seems to interfere with any success with NYR number 1)
3. Finish the school year with no incompletes this term.
4. Do some sort of art project every couple of months or something to create an outlet.
5. Be more active in my church calling since I wasn't able to do much so far in my new calling with my being sick and all which sucked.
6. I need a 6 because of my stupid OCD and the number of threes...(which would be a whole nother blog)...but I don't really have one so I am putting this up instead.

So if anyone of my friends reading this has gotten the cold shoulder or whatever lets make some plans before I renig on the whole hermit thing. And I am really sorry for that...this past year seems to have turned me into this totally spaced cadet girl who can't leave beyond the necessary reasons...but I want to try and change that and I want to be a better friend and be there for you so yea...we should make plans if you want.

Happy New Year everyone.

Ok...so now I get to write about my feelings towards this new year concept...at least the whole new year new me idea that everyone seems to take one. I just don't get it. There I said it. I saw my dietitian and she told me to remember that not only was the tomorrow (today) going to be a new day but a new year as well...a time to start fresh. Its a new day yes. But isn't it just like a birthday. Its not like its a magic day. Its not like the slate really gets wiped clean in our brains or anything. Why do we approach it as if the resolutions are not a process that have to be taken over the course of a time and we can't just suddenly change because it becomes January 1st? I would love the idea if it really worked that way. And I understand celebrating the passing of another year just like we celebrate the passing of our birthdays. I just don't understand this lets change who I am right now...today, the minute the clock strikes 12. Does ANYONE really keep their new years resolutions for more than a month?? Maybe I am being too harsh here and perhaps a bit too serious, but its confusing to me. I have never met anyone who does. And why all of a sudden does the week before New Years and the month of January and such seem to be filled with so many extra diet commercials and all that. Trying to push more people into using their methods to lose weight. Ugh...now thats sickening.

Ok rant over...sorry about making you sit through that.

Yoinkage

2008-12-23T20:32:00.003-07:00

A very, very rude awakening at 4 am this morning.

I started the feed pump and I tried to bump it up to 55 ml per hour because I am not getting enough to keep weight on me or to help with the healing of my neck. So come 4 am I once again sit up in bed gagging and starting to throw up. In my rush to NOT do this in my bed I somehow yoinked my own tubage out of my stomach. Unfortunately you have to respond fast with the peg tubes cause the stomach starts to shut the hole really fast. I had to get to the hospital to see my doc by 6 am. Well it had already started to shut so they had to dialate it and that flipping hurt. But I also had to wake a friend to get me to the hospital because I am not supposed to be driving or even walking outside alone. And they gave me demoral to help with the pain but it did nothing. To make matters worse I aspirated and I am waiting to see if it will turn to pneumonia.

Why do I never have anything happy to report to you guys. I really need to figure that one out. I want some fun posts. I can be fun....I think.

Because of me feeling so icky and having a fever and all I just don't know if I feel sick from aspiration or if I am catching some stupid bug. One way to make Christmas without any family around even worse...I guess I just found it.

So by 2:30 I was feeling rather run down and I wouldn't even finish seeing my therapist until 4 ish. SO no coming home to take a nap.

Friends...tubular types

2008-12-21T11:46:00.002-07:00

Ok so I was having problems taking the formula I have to take with the gravity bags and by pushing. So far it looks like I will be attached to my brand new Joey pump as well as the wound vac all as a result of this surgery...isn't it fantastic. So far I can't handle it going more than a few drops an hour. I am sure everyone, dad and dietitian and Therapist are all hoping it can be sped up so that I can get more than what I am getting in a day. Worse is that I have no idea what kind of bag I can carry that will carry both items. The bag the joey came in as well as my pump are that obvious black saying "look at me, I need tubes to stay alive because I am some medical mystery that no one can figure out."

On the other hand there is good news. The wound on my neck is starting to look like its on the right track healing wise. But I get a break from the vac and have to wear dressing over the wound...which means white guaze around my entire neck which makes me think people are staring and whispering...which when I look have the time they are even pointing and my head is saying that they are wondering what is going on and that the obvious answer in most peoples' minds is that I either tried to kill myself or that I was in some kind of altercation where a knife found a way to go across my neck in an attempt to end my life. And then there is pity in their eyes. I hate pity. Its a useless emotion that does nothing but make the pitied person feel even worse about their situation.

I just want to scream "The stupid doctors did it ok...so quit staring!!!!" I mean seriously didn't anyone teach their children that its not polite to stare??

Tired

2008-12-09T21:57:00.003-07:00

I seem to be tired all the time now. I am definitely that now.

I really don't know what to post about but I want to post more often. I look up to a lot of people that I never tell I look up to. And maybe one day I will have the time to write about some of those people. And I promise I will do that soon. But that is not for tonight as I am tired and I want that topic to be perfect.

Sometimes the words we say don't come out as we mean them. Sometimes those words offend those we love. I have always felt that words are something that should be thought about. Yet I tend to blurt things out without thinking quite a bit. And I am afraid I may have hurt some people lately because not only do I blurt things out but now with all the pain meds I am on I tend to have lost the filter all together that allows me to think before I type or speak. If I have hurt any of you I am deeply sorry.

That paragraph may seem weird but I have several phobias. I am not scared to say what they are...as B has mentioned Pee Air, well I actually have a similar phobia to that. I can't stand being near a toilet that is being flushed. Like the air coming above the toilet is full of germs and stuff that just went into the toilet. I am of course terrified of being fat, attractive, raped, killed, and all sorts of things that go along with my eating disorder. My latest fear is that now with the surgery on top of everything else is that no one will ever love me. I have to have the toilet paper with the paper coming over the top not under...and I have gotten really pissed off at people who do it otherwise. I am scared of people not liking me. And as mentioned above I am terrified that I will hurt someone. The list can go on and on and on I am sure.

Ok so not many of you know that I have not spoken to one of my brothers in almost 9 years. Recently...with Thanksgiving or whatever we had a talk over the phone about a recipe I used to make that was really popular to all the potlucks we went to. This was a strange thing for me. I found out he was joining the army. Now this is a weird thought all together. I think it could be good for him, but I am terrified of him dying over in the war, though I know the sacrifices of the troops is the most heroic thing that comes to mind at the moment...(aside from our animal cops that rescue the abused animals around the planet of courst :) ). I am terrified that he will die though and I will be scared that I somehow caused it to happen with my negative feelings towards him. Don't get me wrong...we don't speak. I do not like him, but I do love him. He is my brother and always will be, no matter what the past may hold. So I guess I am just appealing to the masses that he doesn't die in the Army.

OK I guess I am gonna go to bed now as I have to get up at 4 am. Yuck!!

I'MM BAACKK!!!

2008-12-07T22:13:00.004-07:00

Sort of.

Surgery was tough. Still not healed at all. The wound on my neck got really bad...the skin just died. In the end my coratid artery was exposed and it seemed a really dangerous situation. I got hooked up to a vacuum thingy and I was hooked up 24-7. It sucked. Not only am I swollen to the wazoo and on crutches but I had a tube connected to my neck that was sucking on my and because of the position of the wound never sealed so it makes lots of noise. It really sucks. Adding all this to the swelling and the black eyes that I have even a month after the surgery...well it just sucks. And I am so sick of the stares and the sad looks I get. Especially from the kids who think I am just some freak of nature for their staring enjoyment. Heck I know that more often than not their innocent and don't understand the damage they are doing but heck it still flipping hurts. I wish they would leave me alone. GAH!!!

Thats all I have for now...just wanted to say I am alive...despite my being a horror show all by myself now. Who will ever even consider dating me now??

Now food sucks as far as I am concerned because its all through my PEG...and it only causes cramps and sick feelings period. I hate it. Ok so seriously thats it for now...

A Funny at the D's Office and Jigsaw Puzzles as Lifelines

2008-10-17T04:11:00.009-06:00

First I want to start by saying thank you for the laugh to my D. It was much needed and very much, still very funny to me. Don't worry everyone I will let you in on my laughfestivity soon I promise.

So its been a long time since I saw my D and I have to admit I was doing rather well, when out of the blue the old ed monster enters my brain...my thoughts become clouded and I began to misjudge the judgement I made at the beginning of September to purposely gain extra poundage before my surgery. In my decision process was the idea that if I gained weight before this major surgery where something is obviously going to affect my eating I knew I would lose weight. I gained weight partially in fear of losing so much weight that bones would start to show and if that happened I would be triggered into the relapse of all relapses. I am so scared of having a relapse down to hospitilization levels. Partly due to the lack of money to go there but mostly the unwillingness to give up my freedoms and abilities to be in charge of what I get to put in my mouth and how it happens...I get to say yes to meat or no to meat depending on my mood and I don't end up hating my vegetables such as carrots and celery because on weight gain protocols I get a huge plate that I have to finish on 15 or 20 minutes if you add the extra 5 I was given because I have to eat slow because I have a hard time chewing and swallowing, during a day when I had talked myself into doing a challenge candy bar when I knew it takes me the entire 20 minutes to do the small little bowls of the same veggies. And ironically because there was no way to do said veggies I could NOT do the candy bar. This is ironic to an anorexic who subsisted on those same veggies and denied any type of sinful candy bars (which I now consume quite happily most of the time) I use this one as an example because its one that I really ripped into my D about...because I have problems chewing and there was NO WAY that was going to get into me in the allotted time frame, unless you gave me enough speed to make me chew like something mechanical...then I would be in some Halloween nightmare or something. Who knows, after all I am going to get a titanium plate in my jaw...motorized anyone??? J/K No way would I want that to even be a possibility.

Anyhow I digress from telling the actual funny. I realized that my mind went into a tailspin about the weight gainage that is making my clothes really tight and therefore losing that spirit and drive to keep the weight on. As I was falling into a depression of not caring I threw one last life saving rope out and emailed my D to come see her. Which I did today/yesterday (being that I am at work instead of bed). Well in the meeting we got to talking and I mentioned that I had a mantra in my head lately and I was trying depsrately to hold onto that point because it IS the bottom line of my weight gainage descision. As I was preparing to tell her this mantra I warned her that I was going to say the F word. Well I meant F in CFC or IP terms...say it with me...I meant the word fat. She evidently was confused and thought I meant the other F word...as in worldly terms outpatient not the kind of word you usually warn before hand to a D by any means because lets be honest...if you were gonna drop an F bomb in a D's office its probably directed at the D. Anyhow I went on to say my mantra..."go in FAT come out skinny, go in skinny come out DEAD." But lo and behold her face was frozen in the shock of horror and confusion because she was thinking another thing and totally in shock at the idea that I would one use it and two that I was warning her about using it. So she had to ask me to say it again. But what I really wish is that you could have seen that shock of horror. As I realized what she was thinking and what not I laughed so hard my belly hurt for hours because the stupid PEG tube does not like those muscles being used....and they have been unused for so long that well quite frankly that muscle seemed to be in the same state of shock that it was being used.

On other fronts:

My hyperbaric treatments appear to be hitting a rough patch. But I know that they are far from being over. I am tired of watching movies and I am really sick when they do a repeat of anything. I try to read and I am reading a new author. I think I like her, but her style is very different from other authors I have read. Look her up and check her out and see what I mean. Her name is Ursula K Le Guin. I am reading the series that is started by Gifts, followed by Voices, and ending with Powers. I am reading the last one now. I am of course not reading just one book though. I am also reading a series that follows the series called the Children of the Promises or something like that. Its about an LDS family that is right smack dab in the middle of WWII and the following years. In the second series its actually about the original series' children.

In other news I mentioned that I was beginning to feel the throws of depression and despair and what not. While that is by far not gone because lets face it...its going to be here for a long time to come with this surgery. Heck I am scared to death but there is not much to be done...the procedure needs to be done. Its only going to continue to get worse and make this even more necessary down the road and possibly throw me into some strange bodily infection and no one wants to see that. Anyhow I remembered/figured out a new coping strategy for me is puzzles. As in Jigsaw puzzles...though apparantly anything less than 500 or really 750 is a waste of my money since I finish them kind of fast. I bumped it up a notch and just bought a 1500 peice puzzle with cats being all mischevious and what not on a bookcase. So it will be interesting how fast I will get that one done...hopefully it lasts at least a week and a half. Of course this can get to be an expensive coping skill so if anyone wants to donate to my puzzle fund since I will be hospital or house bound for awhile please feel free to throw out a rope that I can grab hold of and send me some jigsaw puzzles. (I will throw in here that I usually need something living in the puzzle...animals or mythical...though the last one I just did has a religious conotation but yea...I evidently don't particulary care for putting together images of houses and landscapes...even though I am sure grass and trees are living...not trying to say that they aren't). Just in case anyone decides to bite on the fishing line/rope I just tossed out. I don't want to have to pretend to like something when I asked threw a random line out and didn't state that I like certain kinds of puzzles. Although I am sure when I start getting stir crazy I will be happy for anything I get I am sure. I don't mind admitting that as soon as I am allowed to have a life again any puzzles that are sent my way, as long as they have all their peices, will follow a path of donation to the Huntsman Cancer Institute since they appear to have them in every waiting room and what not to help their patients calm their anxieties and make waiting easier. I figure its a good cause. It sucks when you end up in a cancer hospital and you know everyone around you has that same problem...and it gets really tough when you realize the patient is the child or teenager and not the adult. When I see that I want to cry. But I am digressing into another blog topic for the future. My top 20 reasons the big C word sucks blog which I am going to write one day I promise.

Update and annoying medical care people---and other kinds of people as well

2008-09-29T18:58:00.004-06:00

Ok first I want to give an update. The more I learn of this surgery the more sick I feel about it. I am worried that the new bone will end up dead too. What will that leave me with? I am super scared that it will take me a year to heal and that will not be a productive year of my life...I hate being sick like this. My clothes are getting tight and I am trying to remind myself that the weight needs to be there to lose if I have to have major surgery because as an old family friend put it...the fat go into the hospital and come out skinny where as the skinny go in and come out dead. I appear to have some kind of fever...whether thats from pain or from my getting sick I am not too sure.

Ok so there are a few things that I am tired of hearing people say. One...is I wish I had an eating disorder. I told this person that no they didn't. But she just went on and on. And whats worse is that this is a medical care person. I was so appalled at the things coming out of her mouth regarding eating disorders. She even said she tried to purge before so much her face swelled but "her body" hates throwing up so much she couldn't do it. At some point I just bit my tongue because nothing I said was getting through.

Two is someone going...I have bulimia, but I just forget to purge. I have heard that from a couple medical care people and its just wrong. Grr. Why do people think its ok to say that to anyone??? How can they seriously think that helps?

I am guessing they think it helps relate to the patient but it doesn't. I finally said something to someone and a couple people that I see a lot now understand that better. But seriously...what is going through their head?

Roomates are another thing that have gotten to me. They just decided to sell their contracts. I am sitting here thinking it has more to do with me than they are letting on. Evidently my being sick is more than they can handle. Its not fair.

On another front I am in a serious depression. I am either doing my treatments, sleeping, or trying to eat. Eating is not easy right now. Between pain and everything I just don't feel up to it much of the time. I am so tired. I hate this. I really do NOT want to do this surgery...ugh.

Turbulent Trials

2008-09-20T14:49:00.005-06:00

Brie...Alliteration :) 2 points

So everything is happening so fast and there is so much it almost seems like each week is an entire month.

I had tubes placed in my ears on Monday just to have them clog up on Wednesday when I started my hyperbaric treatments. They were declogged by pushing the clog through the tube only to have it reclog on Friday. So I had a same day procedure under anesthesia to take out the tube and put a new one in. Ugh.

Also I met with the reconstructive surgeon on Tuesday. After that I can honestly say I don't want to know anymore because the more I learn the more I do NOT want to do this. But there really is no choice unfortunately. And this will take away a lot of the pain so thats good. I just don't know how I will look at all. Its so hard when already I am having a hard time dealing with how the cancer has changed my looks and now it gets to do more damage. I just hope we can find a way to get the implants covered. Goodness knows I don't have the money to do it. I hardly have the money to be making the repeated trips into SLC.

I feel like I am on this roller coaster...going from being almost ok with this to being in a fetal position bawling my eyes out. I don't know if I can deal with all this. But I have to I guess. I am pretty much alone but at the same time I have friends in the church who are here for me so thats nice. I am not completely alone I guess.

In case you didn't read the comment B, the hyperbarics open up blood vessels and aid healing in people who have a hard time with healing.

Oh and the weirdest thing happened...when I had the same day thingy I ended up with an IV in my foot. Oh boy...that was really wierd.

So beyond all this is the drama of dealing with the pain clinic I have been seeing for almost a year. They are suddenly worried about my self harm. I haven't cut in forever. I haven't tried to kill myself in about 6 years. My cutting was never to kill myself. They were worried about me hurting myself with their pills...which to me was an insult. I wouldn't try to kill myself with pain pills...or any pills for that matter if I really wanted to do it. But there is the other part that I made a promise 6 years ago. And I do NOT make promises lightly. I just need help getting to this stupid surgery and getting through the time after it. Anyhow I was ticked off enough that I gave them the pills they had given me and transfered my pain management to a doctors office that has seen me for a longer time as well as actually got to know me in the time I have been seeing them so its better if you ask me.

Anyhow...life is a really crazy right now.

Crapola and drama and such

2008-09-12T06:43:00.006-06:00

See this machine…well its going to be my new friend. I don’t think best friend would be the right phrase since its more like a daily obligatory visit that I will just hope I can sleep through the entire visit of. The novelty of living off the sci fi channel really wore off when I first paid my respects to that machine and I do not look forward to these upcoming weeks.

Now I get to fill you all in on whats been going on and why I haven’t posted.

I haven’t posted because everything has been so hectic and highly dramatic and therefore I wanted to wait to post anything until I had some clue as to what was going to happen. I can’t say that the drama has passed so much, but I have an idea, an outline if you will, of what is going to be happening. It sounds incredibly scary but I have begun to look at it from another angle…the after will be worth it…and its not like I can sit down and just give up. I took up a new mantra and it applies to this as well as my eating disorder. The mantra is this, “I choose life.” Basically I choose to do that which will help me to remain among the living…that means eating and that means paying homage to that blasted machine. That means going through what I have to go through these next few months no matter how tired or in pain I feel.

Anyhow…I am speaking in riddles as far as most of you are concerned. Because of the cancer and the Neutron radiation to my jaw the lower mandible looks like a piece of swiss cheese, its got holes and basically its dead. They are calling it osteoradionecrosis. Now that’s some fancy term to explain that because of the radiation the bone has died. About 3 and a half weeks ago the bone started to become exposed in tiny spots in my mouth so I made an appointment to see the people out at the huntsman. We ran some tests this past week and came back with the result that my jaw is in this current state and that the plan of operation is that I need surgery. Before I can go through this procedure though I have to have hyperbaric treatments which is what that crazy looking picture is. After about 30 dives I will have a pretty extensive operation to remove the dead bone…which may be anywhere from a section of bone to the entire bone, we don’t really know. But here is where it gets back into Science fiction crapola again…they are going to take my fibula, which for those of you who need to look it up is the little bone in your lower leg, and make a new jawbone for me. I am hoping that this means I will look more normal than I do now…because you know…it would be awesome if I could regain some of who I used to look like in the mirror. Though I find it funny that, that is a possibility because lets face it, I was starting to, sortof accept who I saw in the mirror…not love, not really even like at this point, but just accept it. I am still crossing my fingers that maybe my dream can become real because of this, though there is no way I can afford to do it…I hate having dentures and I always have. I mean I have had them since I was 21 and that’s just, well not fair. But when is life fair…its not, you take what you get. I have dreamt and dreamt of being able to get dental implants but it was never a possibility because the bone was so fragile…and it was constantly infected and crap. I will leave the terms out for all that crapola.

I have never understood cancer, and I do not pretend to understand it now. Its like the eating disorder in so many ways. It’s a selfish disease that takes and takes and takes…only unlike the eating disorder it does it visibly for all the world to see and there is no real denial that its taking so much and infecting your whole life…it too puts your life on hold until the chaos can pass, if it passes. But unlike the eating disorder I can’t choose whether I stay in its grip or if I allow it to damage my life further. What I do get to choose is how I react to the damage it does. I am trying to keep a positive outlook on everything. I mean the cancer is not back, and this may in the long run significantly improve my life. The road that I have to travel might suck like bloody heck…but for now I am trying to focus on the long term possible benefits and to some extent I think that in my mind these benefits may be glorified, but if it gets me through these next few months then so be it.

I am unbelievably scared. The truth is that my parents really can’t afford to be here and I know it…so the chances are high that I may be facing my first major operation without having my dads hand to hold…even if he does pass out when the bubbles in the iv line travel into my bloodstream. His hands still hold the assurance that anyone gets from a dad. Its some magical power dads have right? Anyhow…I am just rambling now, but yea…so I may be posting a lot because I have nothing better to do since I had to drop all my classes to accommodate this mess or I may not post much because I am too doped up. Its too early to tell that answer.

Nightmares...daymares....

2008-08-24T20:19:00.002-06:00

Nightmares suck. Seriously.

You would think I had enough of these dreams. Usually they leave me alone as long as I am eating. I have been really depressed lately but I haven't skipped that much food. At least I didn't think so. When will he leave me alone? Its not enough...never enough. Blah. Does anyone know how to make the past stay in the past?

Somewhat of a reply to myself and to anyone else who needs these words

2008-08-23T07:33:00.005-06:00

Ok...so I have thought for a while and am past my blubbering mess. I am still depressed about my scars, and will always be in many ways. I will always be upset with people who feel like walking away because I have been through things that maybe they just aren't strong enough to face. What I want people to under stand is this...everyone needs someone else to get up the courage and the strength to face the hard things in life...from having your heart broken to having cancer and even, heaven forbid losing someone you love. Everyone needs someone and it is not weak to need someone to help hold you up when your legs just don't feel strong enough. It is not weak to want to be held because you hurt inside. After saying all this I want to paste over something I wrote last night at work. Its is my reply to my own blog...about being human.

A reply to my being human…

Staring in the mirror I realize there is no equilibrium to my world. Everything about me is off balance and thrown askew. My power does not lie in the pretty features that used to make up a beautiful face. My power lies in the stubborn set of my jaw and the defiant look in my eyes. My power lies underneath all the scars and flows through my veins. That power was etched into my being while I was in my mother’s womb and it grew into the woman I am sure to become. I do not have to see something to believe its truth. I do not have to know something to understand that it is there. I have felt true faith, I have felt God’s hand in my life and I know that it guides everything I do. While it still hurts every time another person walks away in disgust or fear from me and my scars, and my past, I know that this is who I am. Like it or not I have to accept what is here because I cannot change it. I do not have the freedom to walk away from my life. What I do have the freedom to do is choose to have power over my life. Maybe one day the scars will fade. Maybe one day there will once again be balance to my face and cuts along my arms will no longer show. My history is etched in my skin like the ancient hieroglyphs from Egypt. No one has learned to decipher the message, not even me. But if there is one thing I have learned, and will keep on putting forth is this: I have power because I have fought through time and time again just to take another step forward in this thing that is my life. My body keeps going because my mind tells it to do just that. I have power because I will always be a fighter…I will never lay down and just let something happen to me ever again. And in that sense I will always be much stronger, and much more beautiful than the 15 year old girl that had the pretty smile and perfect cheekbones.

I am human too....

2008-08-22T01:23:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been treated like you were some kind of monster? Well thats how I feel like I am treated sometimes. Sorry to those of you who can see beyond the scars...this blog does not apply to you.

I don't go out on dates. I don't really do a lot with friends. I don't really get asked to. I try to tell myself that I don't care and that it doesn't matter...but the truth is that is does. How am I supposed to fight the negative voice in my head when so many people in real life prove to me that the negative voice appears to be right. How am I supposed to go through life on a daily basis forcing myself to do the things that I don't want to do, when everyone around me appears to be reinforcing everything I keep telling myself isn't true.

Boys especially do this. They think because I have scars...because I have had a tough life, because I have gone through hell and back, that I am not worth getting to know. I am treated like I am broken, so is it any wonder that I feel broken? That I feel used and thrown out like yesterday's garbage? Its not supposed to matter. The radiation burn is supposed to be proof that I have courage, Red badge of courage and all...BS. It proves nothing. It proves that I have to wear my problems on my skin. It proves that even if I don't want people to know things about me that they will. It proves that there is just one more thing to get judged. I am so sick of it. I wish there was some miracle cream or some surgery I could have to make all my scars go away.

Worse are the cutting scars. If you think I get judged for having cancer, imagine the looks on people's faces that I get when they see that I used to cut too. And why do I have to have so many scars...some stupid predisposition to scarring badly. So my scars stick out, stand out for all the world to see. They seem to scream, "LOOK AT ME!! ", "SEE WHAT I DID", and of course "FEEL FREE TO JUDGE ME NOW!!" because I am a royal F*@# up.

I hate people who feel they have the right to make me hate myself even more. I hate people who feel they have the right to make me feel so bad about myself. Most of the time I tell myself that I don't care. Most of the time I can deal with it, because I have dealt with it for so long. But I have also been numb with my eating disorder. I have stayed numb so that I didn't have to feel people's eyes, or hear their comments. Now that I am full of all these damn emotions that I don't know what to do with, I have to hear them, feel their eyes and deal with all of it. How the heck am I supposed to do that? What do people want from me? And why, why can't the scars just go away like they seem to do for everyone else. How am I supposed to look in the mirror and like what I see when so many people turn away. Hell, maybe I really was right all along. I don't know.

What I do know is this...I hate that people appear to have this kind of power over me. Simply because they feel the right to judge me. They feel the right to walk away from me. They have the LUXURY of being able to do that...walk away from my past....walk away from the evidence that sometimes life sucks. I don't have that. I have to look in the mirror, I have to live with my past, I have to deal with the nightmares, and I have to deal with the fear and the anxiety. I have to live in this body and I have no way to escape any of the problems. Its not flipping fair. Why can't I get away from it too? I wish I could walk away....I wish I didn't have to see all the things I have been through...

Wow...this blog is a bit personal after my hiatus...but oh well right?

Decisions....

2008-08-11T01:12:00.002-06:00

I am very tired right now and I haven't posted in such a long time. It seems odd. I feel like I should be posting more often and yet I forget about this until I remember something fantastic that I need to write or when I want to read and catch up with everyone else that I know that blogs. I finally got google reader on my google home page and get everyone's updates that way. Its actually a great tool.

Anyhow...I have mostly been working. I may or may not go to school this fall as financial aid is having issues. Being that I have to have surgery on my eye sometime in September maybe its a good thing if I can't get in school.

I am toying with the idea of making my blog public, but am scared of that idea at the same time...what do you think about it? Part of me thinks that its exposing too much of myself but then part of me wants to do it so that I don't have any secrets anymore. The secrets are after all part of the eating disorder mindset you know? At the same time I don't want to appear as some weak person who can't handle anything...I just don't know. I do know that if this does go public I will have to update more often and many of my posts may lose some of the personal parts of me...and I can't decide if I want to do that ya know? Sigh...decisions decisions...they overwhelm the mind.

Pathetic Cries

2008-08-01T07:37:00.002-06:00

Its so pathetic that I can not handle the mewing of a cat or kitten. I hear it outside. I am at work and its tearing me to bits that I can’t just go out and hold it, comfort it, feed it if I must. I just have to know that its ok and I am sitting here praying that it will just stop since leaving the building could result upon firing. Oh but its breaking my heart…why does it have to do that…here? Why can’t it do it say at home or on my way out from work…when I can actually break and maybe rescue it from whatever it feels the need to make a fuss about? This is a bad start to the day I tell you. I am going to have that kitten on my mind all day…and with my luck its going to affect my ability to sleep. GAHH!!! I can’t handle the idea that an animal..especially a cat might be suffering…or hungry!!

So not fair. It also makes me miss my baby…though she doesn’t sound pathetic and helpless like this cat…she’s more assertive and demanding.
Sigh…I wish I could go put this cat in my car and take it home for that matter…I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. I really think it would help me in the recovery, trying not to get depressed department. Animals have a way of making everything better even when you feel like crap. Just the fuzzy fur against your face and in my case that makes me sneeze and itch like mad and stirs up my asthma…but heck its worth it…just throw me a box of Benadryl and my inhaler and give me the animal…then walk away…because at this point I think I might clobber anyone who tried to take an animal out of my arms for sheer need. I need that furball…I need my furball…my shadowcat. Lord I really miss her. Why do apartment places have to be so damn strict?? I seriously need to go find somewhere else to live after this next year…and in the requirement will be the bracket of allowed to have a pet. Any pet as long as it has fur will satisfy this criteria. Yes that’s right people…I do not like reptiles and I think fish are pretty pointless on the fixing depression quota. Gimme a cat, dog, sugar glider, chinchilla, ferret…something with attitude please. Sigh…so many animals are being put in the shelters right now…and all I want is to rescue one. Wouldn’t it be great if we could declare it as an assistance animal for depression or my eating disorder and therefore get around the damn landlords regulations?? Too bad I have roommates to consider in the mix as well. This is actually starting to depress me more…so I am just gonna stop writing now…

Hugs to all and I love you…

PS…ok so after writing this I got off work and went in search of said cat. Determined to make it happier somehow…even break the rules of my apartment for a few days so I could find a shelter or something that could find it a better way of life…only to get ticked off and find out that someone has locked this kitten up downstairs in the shed that is right below where I was working tonight. I am irked because this is a kitten’s cry and I don’t think a kitten should be locked up in a little room all by itself all night long with nothing to cuddle with or to show affection to. Its just wrong…don’t keep an animal if you are gonna treat it that way…seriously..a baby at that. Gah…I am really peeved….

Avoidance of the Issue

2008-07-31T14:24:00.002-06:00

Ok so I have been avoiding blogging or anything really. I haven't been feeling real good either so that doesn't help. But add to that, I was finally getting fed up with my broken computer screen. I finally filed a claim with my insurance and replaced the machine. As for being sick...well my infection with my face has come back for a third time so we are trying to get it under control and then we are gonna look into the surgery to stretch my tear duct and try to keep it from getting clogged and infected yet again. Its making my head hurt though and is making the screen hard to look at sometimes. Anyhow...I apologize for taking so long to look at every0ne's journals. I will attempt to do that if I can get a connection at work tonight.

The new laptop is better at connecting than the old one was...so fingers crossed. Much love to all of you.

Roy G Biv

2008-07-16T18:14:00.003-06:00

I want some rain. Seriously. The clouds in the sky are just a tease, seriously. The News keeps saying we should have showers, but its just not happening. You remember that song that you sang as a kid wishing the rain to go away...I was the annoying kid that always asked the rain to come. I didn't want the old man bumping his head. I dunno. I love the rain...such a clean feeling and it smells so good. Refreshing.

Okay enough of a rant on that. So I am a tad on the bored side today and I did some laundry, still have more to do. Taking forever to fold it. Folding is the most mundane chore out of all the home chores you have to do. And for me with my OCD organized closets it takes even longer than most people. Now sometimes when things are going astray and I feel anxious or want to escape into a bubble I put laundry away. Its a calming effect on me when I get to put things in order, but at the same time its no fun when I am not in the mood to deal with the stupid rules ya know? I wish sometimes I could just throw them all on hangers and put them in the closet...oh well. (this is where the title comes from...its a hint on my closet, but only the beginning of that...)

Ok thats it for now...not much of an update I know. :) Have a good day all of you.

Recovery...or bust

2008-07-11T01:54:00.004-06:00

Today I went to visit my old bishop's wife and their dogs. Duke was all over me. He really seemed to have no shame. By the end of the visit he fell asleep in my lap. That made me really happy. This is their beautimous picture below. Duke is the white one and Fibi is the brown one. I worked for over a year and a half to win that little dog over...many cheetoh's and other various meals that I should have eaten later she finally lets me touch her and does not bark when she sees that its me at the door. Duke on the other hand did not take any bribery because I have known him since he was a puppy. It took one visit where I finally laid on the floor and he approached once I was below him and I had his heart won over. Lots of belly scratches and ear rubs as well. He is a sweetheart. So is Fibi, she just doesn't know what to do about strangers so much. Or just plain people that are not her parents lol. She is a good dog though...and she will sit in my lap once in a while, just not often. Aren't they adorable?

Today is an odd day. I got my 1 year chip from EDA, but I don't really know how much I feel I deserve it. I am kinda glad there is no one there today to try and suggest we do some crazy celebration lunch or anything like that. I just don't feel like its something to celebrate, especially since I seem to be bouncing so much between recovery and relapse. Its just a strange place to be.

I also wanted to go for a run tonight. I was lucky in that my visit allowed me to refocus and remember and I was able to abstain from the said running. Granted by the end of a block I would have been wheezing and turning blue, especially with the smoke and what not in the air right now. I am almost proud of myself from doing what I have been told several times to not do...and yet, well part of me still wishes I was running. I know the reason I wish it is eating disorder related, and perhaps that is the reason I have been able to not do it, I don't know.

I am just happy that for today I chose to stay in recovery. I hope I can keep making that decision since it will supposedly end with me one day being truly happy.

Just Listen....

2008-07-04T09:34:00.002-06:00

Okay I read sometimes to escape. I rarely read to find something I cannot pinpoint inside of me. I did not intend to do that with this book and yet there is was blaring from the pages. I bought the book yesterday on my way to EDA, and I proceeded to read it all the way through my shift at work and finish it up here at home after I found my self angrier than a cat that had been thrown in ice water after my drive home. (I do NOT like crowds, I hate parades and I hate marathons that are between me and the safety of my home when I am having to deal with a mass amount of people. Especially when said people are being idiotic because its crowded, and again may I state I do NOT like anything dealing with crowds.)

Now yes this book is dealing with some similar themes as Speak, but it really hit me hard today. Perhaps its what I am dealing with in Therapy. Perhaps its that I was angry at her for what I am angry at me for...I want to go more in depth but fear spoiling the book for those of you who would like to read it. So I will say this...it hit home, and perhaps can tell me a lot about finding solutions and not avoiding problems, and quite frankly, being honest...with myself above all else if I cannot at lease be honest with everyone around me that loves and cares so deeply for how I feel and what is going through my mind. I will warn that since my automatic editor was on there are at least 3 errors in the book, but I think they can be overlooked for the content of the book simply for the message it brought me. One that is needed. Listen, and be listened to...even if it is you that needs to listen to you...because you are in there trying to set things right.

updates

2008-07-01T12:53:00.002-06:00

I am totally in some kind of funk right now. I can't seem to keep an interest on much...except sleep. But then there are the times I am just too antsy to actually sleep. Gah its annoying.

So I went on this "hike" which turned into climbing almost vertically with my ward on Saturday. We were told it was paved and a stroll, so much for that. I think I almost fell over so many times. It was so hard for me. I could not breathe. My heart wanted to jump out of my chest, but I could not breathe. There was a guy there though that I have a small crush on so it was worth it in a sense. Though I think my D is gonna have a cow. Especially cause I have done some other things this week that I just can't be proud of.

Anyhow worse to worse. I am already depressed but it turns out my thyroid is way way our iof whack. I knew it was but the number is just astronomical. I have hypothyroid because it was radiated. Anyhow a normal TSH is 0.5 to 5. Mine is climbing the 150's. TSH is what your body makes to signal the thyroid that it needs some more hormones so when its high the thyroid is low, for those of you that don't know that. Anyhow it explains a lot about how I am feeling somewhat, but now its like I am also more aware of the problems as well.

Anyhow there is not much else to say. So thats it for now.

Picture post...

2008-06-25T20:50:00.007-06:00

Today is more of a picture post. I'm not in a good place, and thats all I have to say. Perhaps the first two are more of a statement as to where I feel like I am right now. So I hope you enjoy these photos...courtesy from our friends over at I can haz cheezburger

Memories....

2008-06-22T23:21:00.003-06:00

I have had a hard time this past week with remembering my mom.

10 years ago this year my mother was put on Hospice and my Aunt pulled into our driveway about this time as well. And in 2 weeks I will be facing the day she died...and the memories of that time are hitting me harder this year than they have in a long time. I feel like I say that every year. But this year...this year is the 10 year mark...but I am reliving those weeks as if they happened yesterday. And this year it feels like I am suffocating myself with the memories and the need to cry. Every time someone says just one word that she said a lot I start to tear up. In church today they quoted the count your many blessings song, which is, was a song that my mom loved and quoted a lot. I had to literally run from the room to try and make it to the bathroom before the tears fell from my eyes. I hate to let people see me cry like that...especially when I can feel that it is going to turn into the gasping, snot, body wrenching cry. It hasn't yet, but I feel it coming. Usually it doesn't hit this hard, this early. Usually its July before I start to have a super hard time...at least usually for the past 4 years. Before that it hit me like a ton of bricks in March....in time to have me IP before July, and again by November or January., depending on the year and the trigger. I have to force myself to eat through this. Its so hard. I am finding myself staring at food as if Satan was putting it in front of me, and as if by consuming the sustenance of life I was committing some deadly sin that didn't make the 7 list because it was unthinkable, instead of some act of life that God has intended for us to do on a daily basis...multiple times a day...one that many people don't put a second thought to. I wish I were one of them. I am jealous of those people. The ones who can go through the day and not use food as a way to numb the pain of life. The ones who are addicted to being full and having good food that tastes good, rather than me...the defect. The one who is more addicted to the feeling of hunger than I am to any other feeling in this world. How twisted must one be to find pleasure in that kind of pain...the gnawing pain from the insides...that remind me that I am alive, whether I want to be or not. Remind me that there are pains other than the pain in my heart and that they can in fact distract me enough so that I forget...forget to feel the pain that is tearing me to shred, emotionally, on a daily basis.

Today was also rough in the fact that relief society had a lesson in which we discussed going off course and how we cannot take a break or a vacay from the hard work and from trying to steer clear of the traps Satan lies for us...and how he uses gradual temptations until we are way off track and its harder to get back and yadda yadda yadda. Well in the middle of this lesson someone decides to use dieting and straying from that as an example and the next thing I know is everyone is talking about binging and I am trying not to get up and leave yet again since I already left during sunday school. So in my mind I decide to translate the lesson to fit my life. For binge I replaced it with fast and restrict and for eating junk food I used throwing food away and all that jazz...it worked mostly...but tying it in with how I am feeling with my memories it is making it harder for me to eat dinner. And forget eating something that just doesn't taste good. The problem is...I want cereal, and we have no milk, or yogurt, or soymilk. No nothing :( So I am eating my wheatsworth crackers with swiss cheese, for dinner. I have a feeling H would not be happy with me for this...but honestly, I feel like so what...at least I am eating. I should be sleeping. I have only had 3 hours of sleep in the past 25 hours or so.

So I am sorry this is a bitch and moan blog, but sometimes its what you need to do. Like Brie said...blue periods are a part of who we are...so I guess I am in one. I just hope the next month goes by quickly so I can start to feel better. Its just hard with also knowing we are doing the hard stuff in therapy...the trauma stuff. And I have been on edge for the past 2 weeks...every time I see someone that remotely resembles him I have to look again and make sure, damn sure its not. And I am going crazy even though I know he would never show up her. I am saying too much as it is...

on a brighter note I have a new toy...and it is fun...fun and fun. See my new toy :D
I spent 7 hours without realizing the time last night at work. I checked on the girls and I played. and played...the only mistake is that I spent my paycheck on it. I should not have, but I saw it and well...my heart became set...and it will get me through the rest of the summer.

Stupid Things Done in The Midst of ED...

2008-06-19T12:06:00.007-06:00

Okay I feel like a funny post. Well its funny to me to look back at all the things I did in my eating disorder. Some of them caused a lot of pain in the moment...and I hope this isn't triggering or anything for you guys, but I was telling some to my roommate and well...I realized they sound funny to someone who doesn't have an eating disorder. So here we go...

1. Drinking Dish Soap causes no laxative effect. In fact it causes the burping of bubbles and the inability to do the dishes for months or so afterwards. And each burp will taste just like the soap the first time around. So just stay away from that idea. I think the idea of soap...well honestly it
came to me as a result of what is obviously a myth given to kids...so that they rinse out the dishes. And sadly I have to admit that this was done when I was in my 20s...yes I was old enough to know better. Well...myth...BUSTED.

2. For the same effect...don't ever drink Epsom Salts. The taste is the worst. Worse than sea water and perhaps even worse than the soap. You will burp the taste...and in fact you may even gag and wretch from the taste alone. So even with the side of the box saying its a valid thing to do...don't. You can't swallow it well enough to even see a result IF there is one. So...myth...BUSTED.

3. Eating Prunes...well...if you eat enough of them your body, just like with other things does get used to them. So please, please...don't try to eat the whole canister. They really don't taste that good anyway. vNo myth here really, just gross.

4. Staying up all night really does not make a difference in how many calories burned. Instead you cannot function and your brain starts to play tricks on you. When the shadows are moving and in fact GROWING...go to bed. Besides it doesn't do your heart any good if your scaring yourself half to death because while you are outside smoking you think the statues are turning into something else and you think the shadow that same said statue is making may be someone trying to attack you...but you are so intent on finishing that cigarette because if you don't you will get fat...you have to stay outside with that same intended attacker until its gone. myth...BUSTED.

5. Along those same lines...cigarettes do not make you lose weight. In fact it is my belief that the only reason many people gain weight is because their smoking actively uses their mouth and there is an addiction with the mouth moving. So replace the mouth obsession in smoking with a mouth obsession that usually involves candy and of course you gain weight. So forget about this one...myth...BUSTED.

6. Because it has to be said...do not and I repeat do NOT mix a sleeping pill with either diet pills or laxatives. The latter being the worst result. You will feel like a child when you get up in the middle of the night to find out what happened as a result of this mix. And somehow I feel like even saying this much is TMI. Again no myth here...just common sense.

Okay so thats it for this installment of my blog. I hope it brought some sort of smile instead of complete disgust to your faces. I must also reitterate how I find these episodes funny now...so please...laugh. Laugh with me :)

Just News

2008-06-13T20:00:00.002-06:00

I want to write something meaningful, interesting, and funny...but nothing is coming to mind really. There is of course the serious side that always wants to come out with me. I wonder how much I use the serious things to push people away...its always the easy reaction. Keep everyone at a distance so that they cannot hurt me in any way.

In therapy we are touching on the serious. I am afraid that I will break down at any moment. I am afraid that we are unlocking pandora's box in a manner that I won't be able to shut it again. I have been good at keeping it shut...I don't really think I want to open it. I do not want to face how my past is effecting me. I really don't want to look at the things that happened back then again...I don't want to close my eyes and see and feel those things all over again.

Ok seriousness aside. I inherited my parents car and I love it. I named her Emmy. I love my job too...its nice. And getting money and being able to take care of myself...I love it.

Being sick and an idiot for a doctor

2008-06-07T20:32:00.003-06:00

That my friends is how I looked when I went back to the doctor on Monday. And I am sorry that the guy was a resident beyond any measure. Worse he wasn't the same doc as I saw on Friday. He decided a new antibiotic and have me come back Thursday even after I told him that if he was going to put me in the hospital it had to be done before Thursday and I had to be out by Thursday. He acted as if he didn't even hear what I said. He just goes...well come back on Thursday and if its still bad you will need to go in the hospital. I left fuming. Worse is the fact that not only was he a resident but he was unwilling to go ask one of the older doctors a question. And if any of you know me, you know that no doctor is going to treat me well without going and asking questions. I know my medical history is scary to look at but this dude sat there just looking stupid...like a child playing doctor. He really, really pissed me off and I can go on and on with a rant on how retarded he was. I let him know about my thyroid as well and the next day he calls and tells me its way off and we need to double my meds...one, he hangs up before saying he was going to call in a prescription for the increase and two, he had the nerve to ask me why I wouldn't be absorbing my hormone pill. Pshht...he is the damn doctor. Good lord, how am I supposed to know, its not what I am going to school for and I have enough studying to do without doing his homework for him. I left the office Monday and made an appt with my ENT doc, who finally treated the swelling aggressively and is also sending me to an endocrinologist in SLC at some point. Gah stupid doc. I feel better now and my face has gone down a lot. It started to swell again when I woke up but not near as bad and I know that if this persists my doc will help me...the ent one. He thinks it was an infection in the tear doc. But we don't know for sure just yet. Another specialist is needed.

I know many of you don't need to hear me say this but damnit I am so flipping sick of being sick. When do I get a chance at a normal life anyhow?

Worse I am facing trauma crap now in therapy...I don't want to. I would much rather continue to avoid the issue. I wish it would just magically disappear without me having to deal with it. Along with that work though I am noticing that its getting harder and harder to make myself eat how I should. I see the choices I am making and I know they are stupid. And yet in the moment it doesn't really seem to matter.

I love my new job. Its relaxed and rewarding. I like doing the things I do there and I am hoping to keep this job for a long time. Maybe even do some day shifts later on. For now I am happy where I am. I still have to go through some training, but I really am happy about this. I like the people I work with too, they are so sweet. My supervisor makes me laugh...she makes me think of Duani. Which I always thought there could be only one person like that, but no...it turns out that maybe every treatment center might have their own type of Duani on staff. LOL...the girls love her, and she is a tough nut. I am so happy there too. Its great. It is however hard to figure out where food fits into my new schedule. ick...eventually things will iron out.

My parents are coming soon and they will only be here for a day or two, but they are dropping off their spare car for my use this next year or so. I just want to do good and finish school right now. It looks like that is at least two years away though...the finishing school. Ick...oh well.

In the long run thats the update. I think I may try to take a nap in a little bit, not sure.

Sleepy and Love of a New Job

2008-06-01T23:22:00.003-06:00

Ok so I really, really like my new job. Its so laid back...I am still in awe that I really am getting paid for letting my insomnia out of the box. Though I am sleeping during the day so in essence I am not, not sleeping.

Last Sunday I woke up to a very swollen face...by Monday afternoon I went to the ER since my docs office wasn't open. Initially they did IV therapy antibiotics that were working, but came to a standstill by Wed/Thurs. So I went to my doc on Friday and he changed me to a pill that is supposedly stronger, but it is NOT working at all. I am almost as swollen now as I was on Monday. I actually got asked today if I had been punched...it looks like it. It doesn't look red or anything and yet...its apparent that it is some kind of infection, the question is where and what the heck is it? I flipping feel like I have been punched in the face...a few times. Anyhow thats enough pity part.

ED wise I am doing ok mostly. Its hard to figure out where I stand. And its hard to figure out where to put my meals now that my days are backwards compared to the rest of the world. It is really rather confusing...
Thats about the gist of how things are going right now.

Therapy Yesterday...

2008-05-23T21:18:00.003-06:00

Note to self: If you don't want to deal with something perhaps you need to deal with it. But if you are not ready...seriously consider that before you email your therapist about the topic.

I went to therapy yesterday and it was an extremely tough sesh. I had to begin to deal with something. I know for a fact that I am not ready to do this. I am scared that if I face some of my past it will make it real again and I am just not wanting to go through all that. I also am afraid of what it will do to me emotionally...and will I reach out for my support or will I be reaching out for my eating disorder to deal with the crap as it comes up? I don't know these answers. I couldn't even really say the things out loud when it came to it. I know I have to do that at some point but there is a lot of shame in some of my issues and I really have never spoken some things out loud...I am too scared to. I fell into the same thing yesterday...instead of speaking them...first I tried to change the subject...which honestly in the past I know I am damn good at. So good in fact that some of my therapists and other docs didn't realize I changed the subject until time was pretty much up. With my therapist back in Texas I was able to show her journal entries...in a way it was a way around my inability to speak a lot of things out loud. So yesterday I got stuck in a position where my therapist saw my tactic and tried to nail me down to talking about it...so finally I just pulled my laptop out and showed her some personal things that I wrote...poetry and such. But I still have to come to a point where I can say everything out loud.

Its funny how we think we have dealt with something...but the only way I ever really dealt with it was by brushing over it and never really digging it out of me. I am having a hard time deciding if I really want to dig out this Pandora's box.

CHEER!!!!

2008-05-23T17:13:00.002-06:00

I have a job!! And I am so ecstatic. Its just three days a week and its a graveyard shift, but I don't sleep anyway ya know? So I am really happy and this will sure help with the rising gas and food prices. I am just really happy right now. Finally a job.

I start next week :) Can we say I am dancing a jig?

YEA!!! Butt Stomp and Money really does matter...

2008-05-18T11:55:00.003-06:00

Ok so today and the past few days really I have kicked ED's butt. I say that in the best cheer leading voice I can possibly muster from my brain. I figure having said it out loud that perhaps I can continue down this road of kicking the ED voice out of my head. I like that imagery as well. I can just see me kicking it all the way to kingdom come simply to add insult to injury because of all the pain and suffering the stupid eating disorder makes my friends and I and all those innocent people that I don't know suffer. I admire all the women who successfully conquer this monster. I can call it nothing but a monster because of how it speaks to me.

I am proud to say that even if it is just for Today...I am winning this round.

Ok enough pep talk. So I went to this budgeting seminar by Dave Ramsey and it was very surprisingly NOT boring. I didn't know that was even possible. I am actually excited to take the classes over this next 13 weeks or so. I really do want to learn how to manage my money better, because honestly I suck at money management. I try, I really do, but its so hard to actually make it work.

Hopefully this along with getting a job will help me get some control over my life in a way that is not related to my eating disorder. I love the idea of control...still with numbers, but these numbers represent cash and instead of down I want to see it go UP :P I find this slightly exciting.

Today...

2008-05-14T01:02:00.002-06:00

Was long and boring. I am thinking soon I will contact my teachers and try to get my incomplete assignments done. My plan is to also get a darn job. Its time. Gas prices are driving me to be broke when I had an extra 500 dollars somewhere between the mid-last week of last month and the mid first week of this month. GAH!! I hate going broke so fast...and I have nothing to show for it minus a SIMS 2 game...silly I know. Blah.

Speaking of money though I did manage to buy a ticket to the Dave Ramsey seminar that will be held in the SLC E Center this Saturday. Maybe I will get some kind of epiphany on how to better manage my money. I seriously would love to see my savings account actually begin to start accruing a savings to gather some kind of interest. Seriously. I hate living month to month...

On another note I am getting really frustrated with myself. Its getting really hard for me to challenge the eating disorder voice in my head. Its hard for me to tell it to go F*** off. I just hope I have the strength to make it through this down swing to make it up the other end of the slope before it gets too much of a hold on me. I don't want it to ever have any kind of power over me. I want to be the one with the power. Maybe I am spending too much time without something positive to do. Maybe a job will help in this arena as well...though if I go through a string of interviews and end up with all rejections again that will screw me. Who ever heard of someone scared to go interviewing because they are too scared to give their eating disorder ammo to hurl at them through the sleepless nights that will nonetheless happen after each interview as I wait for a call...just one. Ugh...I do not want to be throwing a pity party so pity party is now getting the cops called...so it has to break up now. Bye.

Mother's Day...

2008-05-11T22:29:00.003-06:00

Its a tough day. Its a wonderful day. What else can you say about it.

I miss and yearn for my mom on days like to day. This is a day that I usually avoid church and anything that remotely tries to celebrate Mother's Day. This year I wanted to be different. But it mostly wasn't. I didn't try to go to bed until 2 am because my roomy and I got caught up in watching a show. So I decided to skip my meds so I could go to church today...at least to sacrament meeting. Well that just caused more problems that one could imagine. I could not sleep. By morning I had my seizures acting up, my heart racing, and my head turning to mush as I got one of the worst migraines I could imagine. My peg tube hurt in a way it hasn't hurt in a long time, the hair on my head was hurting to move it in any way. More than I can describe. So I flipped and flopped until 6 am when I decided to take my migraine meds. I went back to bed and finally fell asleep because of the migraine med but I had a dream that I was dreaming a dream that I had already had. That is really confusing. And far from restful. Turns out my roommate had a migraine too so when she got up to wake me I looked at her and said not happening...and she goes...me either. We both went back to bed. At about 10 am I got up and took the rest of my meds once I was sure they would stay down ate breakfast and went back to bed after an hour or so.

I finally ended the day calling my family. I spoke to my mother's sister...one of them. Realized it was too late to call the other and I couldn't call my grandma on that side either because it was too late. So weird people going to bed at a decent hour. Who knew that was even possible.

Anyhow I just got off the phone with my step mom...whom I admire more than anyone on this planet. She never knew what she signed up for when she married my father. And yet she is still here. Love really does get you through everything. Amazing huh? She had to deal with me and my crap and she still loved me. And I in turn have come to love her dearly. I can even call her mom now. Because she is. I was blessed with two moms in my life. I miss my mom dearly, but I have the best woman in the world to guide me through this second half of my life. It hurts not having my mom here to be there for the moments where I want to talk to her, but I still have this amazing woman to turn to. And I trust her...and I finally let myself love her a few years ago. I am no longer afraid that she will disappear too. I fear sometimes that I won't be allowed to be a mom in this life, but I also believe God has promised me motherhood and I will do my best when that blessing is bestowed upon me.

Brie, a shout out...you are an amazing mother, and I admire what you do every day so much. The tube, and all the things I see you get through...I can only hope I have half your strength. Your blog today for mother's day brought tears to my eyes. Your husband truly is an amazing man as well and you are so blessed. I know you see that and I just wanted to say how much you mean to me.

and now another note to myself...never skip the meds at night again...too many of those react right away from a missed dose...and they lead to the worst night you can have lol...so yea...no more not taking my meds as much as I hate pills.

SUPERCHICK!!!

2008-05-06T00:57:00.014-06:00

Ok so tonight was just awesome. Sad that Brie nor Whit could make it, but getting to see Superchick was just the best time. And I finally got to know Alana a lot better :)

I find new friends are going to be needed as this new semester rolls around. My roommate that I have had for a long time now...3 years, Mandy? Anyhow, she will be leaving soon and I am ever grateful for the strength she has given me through that entire time. I only hope I can give her a tenth of what she has done for me...I wish I could return the favor in full, but I don't even see how that is possible.

Anyhow back to the concert...:) I have pictures...need I say more? I would share the video but the mic on my camera is obviously having issues tonight, so that didn't work out so well.

Me on the left, Keely, and Alana

So the series will continue :)

They are totally rocking it. I tried to get better pics of the guys but they were just always moving...going crazy and jumping...

And the drummer was very hard to shoot, so no shots of him, but he did this solo part and man that guy has some mad skills. It was amazing.

Ok so this next shot is more...I am in love with her guitar...:)

And as we were getting Autographs and such I had to take a couple shots of her adorable puppy...though it looks kinda tired...or something...still so cute.

And so there were other performers but Alana and I seem to agree that only one of them sounded worthy of investigation to see if her tunes were as good as she was on stage. I think they probably are. So here is Brit Nicole and the three of us. She really does have an awesome voice.

And that rounded out the night...It was...AAAAA---mazing :)

Now its time for me to take some meds and go to bed. I just wanted to post this since it was such an amazing night as far as I am concerned.

PEG Tube Explanation, and Beyond...

2008-05-03T13:21:00.005-06:00

I had a hard time during Feb. and I ended up needing to be tubed for weight gain. They did an NJ tube to start with but with the paralysis on the left side of my throat and the continuing damage from the radiation it was soon realized that the NJ tube was effecting my ability to swallow real food or take my medications. It was also realized that my throat is continuing to deteriorate so even after I have gained the weight my ENT doctor wanted to make sure that I had a tube for my pills and for the days that my throat is refusing to allow me to swallow. It made my dietitian more comfortable as well because when I am having a hard time I can at least hook up at night to get the calories and crap that I missed during the day.

I believe I have gained all they wanted me to gain but since there is the medical problems with my pills, the PEG is more long term, whether I eat or not.

I hope that makes sense. It was a hard decision that ended up being made between several of my doctors.

Ok, another funny bone:

The other day I was getting some things at Wal-mart and with the burn on my abdomen any move I made literally felt like I was ripping my abdomen in half so I was shuffling...slower than pretty much everyone. On my way back to my car these little old ladies started to pass me. One of them came beside me and asked me if I was ok and before I could answer proceeded to say let me help you and took my bags...no was not an option lol. So the little old ladies helped me to my car...now I know you probably needed to be there to see how funny it really was, but it was funny because the normal view is that the young people help the older generation rather than the other way around.

OUCH!!!!

2008-04-29T22:55:00.003-06:00

Ok so I go to the wound care clinic today for the peg tube. They are trying to entice it to heal...so they burned me with silver nitrate. That flipping made it hurt again. I hope it worked this time so that I don't have to go through them burning it again next week...because right now I think I am looking at sleeping on the couch again. Ugh...pain

Now on the funny bone...if you like kittens you need to see this video...its really funny :P

http://www.metacafe.co.il/watch/772271/kittens_coca_cola_box/

And that is it for today...I am going to bed soon I hope...

Another Update

2008-04-28T23:20:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the delay. The tests all seem to be clear. So once again my mind went into a spin for no reason. I hope I can get used to this lol. One would think me crazy for a week every 6 months at this rate. Anyhow...I am happy that they are over with. They decided to do an MRI as well but its just because this doctor hasn't known me long and hes trying to get used to my case. So I actually have no anxiety for that. :) Which is almost a shock.

My peg tube is still in the process of healing, but most of the pain is gone and its made taking my pills a real dream. And it makes the dietitians feel better when they can order me to do some liquid fat (aka boost or whatever this crap is....Jevity?) Anyhow let them have their peace of mind and I can have my peace...no choking on pills...thats all I wanted.

I wish I had more exciting news but alas I do not. I am here for the summer, but I am mostly taking it easy and trying to recuperate. I may end up seeing a neurologist at the Huntsman to see if they can put a spin on my seizures...but we will see about that. I can't afford to move all my appointments that far away. Its a fourth of a tank of gas and thats just too much with how high the prices are going.

I hope everyone else is having a lovely week...

Update for the week

2008-04-19T21:43:00.002-06:00

This week sped by with all sorts of worry and really, fear...I tend to see something and start spinning off the possibilities. Preparing myself to hear the worst. I tend to do this even worse in relation to my cancer tests. I had a catscan Friday so the entire week I got all worked up about my cancer and moms and what or where I might have to go if it is back. So most of the time I have been trying to avoid thinking and avoid being in my head, unfortunately I get stuck in my head more when I try not to do it. It doesn't help that all my friends are in their own worlds right now because of finals. UGH....I was hoping to just sleep through until Wednesday. I wish it were easier to sleep when you are worried....it always works the other way around. Its too hard to shut your brain off...blah....ok this is just carrying on with the same thing over and over....so thats it...

Lazy day...Ophelia vs. Queen Elizabeth

2008-04-14T19:58:00.008-06:00

Yes I am being totoally lazy today...which means I am doing nothing and have stayed in my pajamas ALL day long. Though yesterday I had to turn in an art project and I am glad to have it done, but I felt it was too rushed and I probably could have done a much better job than I did. (This was really yesterday :P )

I turned this in on Saturday.

I want to explain the project, where the idea came from and what it taught me.

First the idea is based off the ad where the girl is pinching herself in the mirror and it pans out to show that the girl is really emaciated.

Well I see myself in Ophelia from Hamlet. I see that in the mirror I let my ed and all the other people in my life determine my worth and how

act or react to the things in my life. To me if I stay in my mirror I will die just as Ophelia died as well. Because she was never able to regain her strength or her mind and control of her life, instead she went mad and killed herself.

Outside my mirror I have Queen Elizabeth. For me she represents what I need to overcome and defeat the demons in my life. I have to get creative and fight in ways that maybe no one else would use. I need to remember that I have the strength. She took ingenuity to another level. She was able to take things to a new level and honestly she saved England...and she made it a powerful country through many ways. She has so much strength and I want that. I want to make myself rise to the surface the way she brought England to the surface...rising and taking hold of its power....of my power.

I am kinda tired and this week will be a long one. I have appts every day and I get to go to SLC not once but twice and one more time next week. One would think I would be used to appts that have to deal with my cancer checks, but this one has me nervous...its the first time in 5 years that the doctors had something they wanted to keep their eye on. And 2 years ago I quit doing my yearly checks because I was "tired" and couldn't find a doctor that I "Liked". So I am nervous...and I will probably stay that way until next week when I see the doctor and he gets to tell me there is no change because logically that is what I see happening, and yet I am still nervous. Its nuts if you ask me.

Another thing I want to mention about the art project. It reminded me and brought a new light to my life. I should never have walked away from it and what it was for me. Its my way to communicate when I have no words...which is what I use my ED for anyhow. I run out of words and I don't know what to say or how to feel or even to tell myself how I feel. I would love to get back into my art. I am willing to bring that in my life again....I need it. I need to cultivate it and bring back the talent I had. I have to start over and do many exercises so that I can get my talent back together. I am ready to do whatever I need to do. I am so happy to remember these things. I am sad that I ever walked away from it to begin with. I didn't even allow it to be a hobby. But that is all changing now.

So Proud of whats happening in SA

2008-04-08T12:38:00.003-06:00

If you click on this image you will see something I am proud about. You see San Antonio is one of those places that just doesn't have treatment anywhere nearby where someone who knows about EDs is the one giving the treatment. For a long time it fell on the shoulders of one therapist and I was lucky to be able to see her and receive treatment with her. I am so proud that she has been able to help start this wonderful thing for San Antonio and now there is a place for people to go to. It makes me happy.

So I just wanted to share my joy about this therapist was a part of this. I am proud of her and I am happy SA has something finally.

Bad Dream

2008-04-07T15:27:00.003-06:00

I had a bad dream last night. I will not go into an explanation as it can be triggering for trauma victims as well as everything else. It is leaving me feeling quite...depressed and vulnerable...out of control and a need to let things go for I don't know how long. I don't feel like fighting my ed or anything else right now. Luckily I am far enough out from SI behavior that that is not being triggered right now, but lets just say this is the kind of nightmare you never want to have. It was like I was in the past but worse. And I hate when you can feel like a dream is real because you feel each thing happen and its as if it is really happening. I woke up fighting for air...needing sunshine to look out the window and see not just clouds, but snow. Yes snow in April. It did not help my day. I am trying to immerse myself in art, but even my art project hated me today...wire mesh and I do not get a lot. I didn't need any SI behavior after messing with that stuff to make a form for my paper mache. Lets just say thats the last time I try to use that as a tool. I will find other things to make my molds next time. I am not even sure it worked out that well. I am making adjustments with the plaster strips or whatever you want to call them...plus I have to build her head out of paper mache. This is just on one side of the painting. Ophelia still needs to be put in...but that will be the more fun part...and once the actual painting starts I know I will go into my art trance...forget everything, everyone, and time and space will not matter for a while. I long for that moment. For now I wait for the stupid strips to dry before I can add the next layer. These strips take me back to making the masks at the center...those masks scared the crap out of me. I hated laying on the table and having my eyes closed for that long. I hate how vulnerable it made me feel. I felt worse for another girl though. She had these beautiful long eyelashes and no matter how much of the goup you put on to keep the mask from sticking she still had plaster stuck to her eyelashes and thus got a lot of it in her eyes. That just looked painful and I felt so bad for her. I liked my mask actually...well I liked the outside of it...I didn't want to look inside though...there was the usual black and red and the devil and all that jazz...but the outside was a celestial glory of sunset and moonrise with stars and all that. I must admit I did a good job with that.

The Sisterhood...

2008-04-06T02:40:00.003-06:00

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is one of the BEST movies at all time. There is a lot of wise wisdom in this movie and I feel like I can connect to each character for different reasons. I could go through and explain how with each one but I think I just want to hit the two that connect the most to who I am. At least pictures wise. I will do some quotes that I really LOVE as well. Because what is a blog about movies you watch a million times without the quotes that can last the test of time?

Bailey
Here is a girl who is determined to make an impact on this earth before she has to leave it. And she has to leave it way too early. The concept of death at the age of 12...that is something I know about. Its amazing how when you are facing such a "grown up" topic at such a young age you can have so much insight on the world around you. And back then I remember seeing this world in a much different light than you would see it if did not have to face such a drastic idea of leaving the world. When something such as death is thrown upon your mind and you have to contend with the idea of not existing, or perhaps going to something greater than what we have here around us. And when she and Tibby sit under the stars and they speak of something greater than us...Tibby turns to Bailey and asks her this

"Are you scared?
Not of dying really. It's more that I'm afraid of time.                 
And not having enough of it.  Time to figure out who I'm supposed to be...
...to find my place in the world before I have to leave it. I'm afraid of what I'll miss."

This quote makes me think about my outlook on life and how I saw it then. I suppose I was scared at 12 about dying...but the truth is that I was never scared of death. I was scared of life...I was scared of living, feeling, and love. I didn't like the world and I thought it was this place where everyone is made to suffer this immense torment of bad things. I was picked on by kids my own age and by the adults all around me. There were people around me who took advantage of the fact that I was so trusting and willing to believe that people were just...Good. Bailey saw the best in people. The truth is I still view death as this quote says...I am scared of not finding my place in this world. I am afraid of never knowing what I am supposed to do...and in that quest I am also afraid of finding out what that is. Its hard to do all that when the two ideas contradict one another.

"Listen, you have to take them, Bailey.
Okay? You have to let them help you.
Please.
I know that you're tired, okay,
but you can't give up.
These pants will give you a miracle

You just... You have to believe.

But, Tibby...
...the pants have already worked
their magic on me.
They brought me to you."

I can remember thinking this quote was exactly what I wanted to say as I sat next to my mom when she was ready to stop fighting. I remember wanting to tell her to not give up, believe that she really could fight longer and win. I knew better though...and I whispered that it was okay to go...and I made a promise to take care of her family and all that she held dear. I made a promise to keep fighting for her even when she could not fight.

Bridget

In the movie Bridget is the one with so much riding...running from all the things that give her pain. She has this idea that love is going to take it all away. She is afraid to become something that will make her like her mom. And yet she misses her mom.

It's okay to miss her, Bee.

I mean, as hard as it is
to be sad about it...
...don't you think maybe
it's harder not to be?

You don't understand.

Bridge...

I can't.
It hurts too much.

I know.

No, you don't know.
I just want to feel good
and happy and alive.
Because...

...if I feel alive...
...then it doesn't seem like she's dead.

This is how I feel most of the time. Its as if I use my Eating Disorder to keep from feeling alive. Perhaps if I let myself feel I really am afraid of finding out what is underneath all the layers I have made to keep me safe from the things that scare me the most. After all is said and done I do really feel guilty, that I am alive and that she is dead. As if it was m't y fault that she died and I didn't. Maybe I am saying too much here. I just don't know how I am supposed to allow myself to form the friendships and form the relationships when I am so scared of really feeling alive and feeling connecting to someone on this earth that I usually push away just as a person gets close enough to remind me that I am the one that is alive and if I keep people out...well its like no one else can hurt me like that again. Maybe thats why I am such an awful friend. I know I don't connect well, but I want more than anything in the world to connect like I see other people do. I wish I knew what it was like to have friends like the rest of you have with each other. Sometimes I think I did something wrong and there isn't a part of me that people want to know. Like there is still this part of me that I have to hide...because of people saw it then they wouldn't like me anyway. Then again I feel like thats turning into a pity party and well...I just can't allow that. So I pretend that I don't care and that I don't want people that close, but the truth is all of that is a front...and I know I will regret posting this part of this passage but it is the truth. I am scared to let people in. And yet its what I want most in this world. Sometimes I wonder if thats why I can't really fight this stupid thing wholeheartedly yet. Even though the desire is definitely there. I hate my eating disorder...and I wish it had never existed. I can only dream of where I would be in life it I had never had to deal with this beast. But then again I am told that it was there for a reason and that perhaps at some point in my life it probably saved me...but its killing me now so what kind of saving does that do.

Anyhow one more quote to discuss before I wrap this up--dealing with no one character in particular, just something that makes me think.

Maybe the truth is there's a little bit
of loser in all of us, you know?
Being happy isn't having everything
in your life be perfect.
Maybe it's about stringing together
all the little things...

like wearing these pants...

or getting to a new level of "Dragon's Lair"...

and making those count

for more than the bad stuff.

Maybe we just get through it

...and thats all we can ask for.

And that people is what I am talking about...maybe the magic is just getting to know each other. And maybe that little bit of loser in all of is is just remembering that something we are doing that makes us a loser also makes us special. Who we are and what we enjoy is something to cherish. And we should cherish each other and remember that the magic really comes from friendships and relationships that can stand the test of time...eternity...forever love.

Voices from Heaven

2008-04-04T23:24:00.003-06:00

I believe in God. I believe my mother can talk to me even after death. I believe in a lot of things. I used to think that I could still feel her...then that went away. I no longer heard her voice. I have begun to forget how it sounds. I have begun to forget too many things about who I was and what I stood for. I miss her.

Around the beginning of this school year I lost my mother's wedding ring. It is something that I was tormented with for months. I cried and tore apart everything I owned. I prayed and prayed waiting for God to just tell me where it was. He usually is very good about telling me where to find the things I have lost. But the answer for this was not clear and it did not come very loudly and it did not seem to come at all. A few weeks ago a shelf on my precarious bookshelf collapsed. I was severely annoyed since I hate that set of shelves as it is. I saw them as unstable and about to fall over any day. Well through repeated efforts I could not get this shelf to stay back up. Finally I gave up and eventually bought a new set of shelves and jerry-rigged that shelf back up from peices for the new shelves. We will call this the small voice of God...telling me to look somewhere. Last week I had just gotten home from a stay at our lovely hospital after a same day surgery ended up not being so much of a same day procedure. As I leaned over to grab my laundry basket the bookshelves literally broke in half and fell into pieces....nearly on top of me...how it did not land on me is still unknown, except to say that I was put to safety by God's unseen hands. I freaked out. I was clearly upset though as I finally began to clean the mess because I needed to find my pain medication I started to organize things in piles. As I removed things from the bottom shelf...the one below the "small voice" shelf I found something that brought me to tears. Happy tears. My mother's ring was sitting there...behind the books. I was ecstatic to say the least. You see I couldn't hear the small voice...so God...well he spoke up...quite clearly might I add. And he was heard. I needed to find this ring. I needed to have it, I have needed it for a long time. Now that my dietitian is changing for a while and with all the other changes going on in my life...this is a very welcome find.

I was in the shower...I never let the ring leave my sight at this point I realized I needed to engrave something in the ring. And it was as if a whisper told me..."in remembrance of forever love" KLM. The KLM is for my mothers initials obviously...but the saying stuck and it didn't make sense to me. In my mind the wording was wrong...eternal love made more sense. Or some other saying that would lay closer to how she was strong and persistent when things needed to get done. Instead I could not shake that she wanted me to put these words in the ring. Later I spoke to my father and I told him that I felt like I had to engrave these words but I didn't understand the wording. It just wasn't how I would word things. He then explained that he and my mother signed all their notes, letters, and cards to each other with a symbol that stood for "forever love". And then it made sense...Mom was telling me to remember her and her love. That love doesn't end because a person's body dies. But there were other messages for me there...you see I realized I let my art die...I let it go and gave it up...in a way I left it in search of another passion. A passion I never found that satisfied me the way art always has. In the process of all this I finally went back to the passion that gave me reason in my life. So I am going to start a business. Paintings by commision will be the main idea anyhow. But my real dream is to take parents pictures of their children or of those special moments where they have a photo of something they would like to cherish in a stronger manner and put that picture into a painting or a charcoal rendering. Its something I do well...I take photos and turn them into art. I turn them into things that speak to the soul...to the heart...or deeper sometimes. My dad is learning to build websites but I have no idea how to run a business or to even advertise what I am trying to do. To be honest I have no clue if it will be successful enough to let me live off of it. In fact I venture to gather that there isn't a chance for it to be that successful. I am also going to start making my handmade cards and scrap booking and all that jazz. I am also going to return to designing and doing my woven beaded jewlery...not that anyone will want to buy those but they are things I enjoy to do and I am returning to the things that made light enter my soul. Things I can not and will not ever leave behind again. I will not make that same mistake ever again.

So thank you to the voices of heaven...of God and of my mom speaking to me from beyond. Reminding me that there is more to life than what I think there is. It does however make me want that...that forever love, but that my dears is a blog all on its own. I am in no mood to become depressed right now. So that is the entry that I am making tonight. In remembrance of forever love....

What the....@*#$, wasn't Barbie bad enough?

2008-03-20T15:30:00.004-06:00

Ok so I just saw this and it really pisses me off. They have given barbie a new body for certain dolls. They call it a model muse but if you ask me the doll is now anorexic and emaciated in appearance. I can not believe they think parent's want their daughter's playing with a doll that looks like that. If you ask me, I would rather have my daughter playing with G.I. Joes. These just take the cake because this is just wrong...really, really, really wrong.

Saying Goodbye...or at least having the changes in your life that may mean goodbye

2008-03-16T23:13:00.002-06:00

Today at church an announcement was made...that at first did not sink in. In fact it didn't sink in until I went to my service committee meeting after church and we began to talk about it. As of next week we will have a new bishopric. And that really, really upsets me. If I had not been so sick when we came into this ward last year I would not have trusted this bishop so quickly. The trust grew out of desperation and no other choice because if I didn't get help I am not sure I would be alive right now. That may sound a bit dramatic but looking back at where I was last year I think its a pretty accurate statement and I by far never want to get back to that point ever again. I hope that I can keep that memory strong enough to keep fighting this. Anyhow I really trust him and I am just really really scared about having to start over and as usual I am really bad with goodbyes...especially when someone...or more than someone...his wife as well...has helped me so much.

I really am not good about these kind of things...too much change happening right now...way too much.

Hubba hubba....too many takes to count

2008-03-12T00:46:00.003-06:00

Okay so most people would think that tall dark and handsome would walk by and the girls would melt. I met my tall dark and handsome today but he was not of the human variety. This tall dark and handsome went by me on my way to my Abnormal Psych class tonight and I swear I did so many takes I must have pulled something in my neck. I just could not believe that something could be made that great...put together in just all the right places and ways to make me think things I probably shouldn't be thinking. Especially with todays gas prices starting to climb. I swear I would have thought I was male I was checking this truck out so much. It was all shiny, completely black. Jacked up a little, but not like at a ridiculous level and with the really big tires that made the height of the truck look normal. And in the center of the tires there was a silver star. I was just so caught up in the truck that I never looked to see who was behind that baby's wheel. I wish I had because damn I wish I had me some of that. I will dream about that tall dark and handsome...hopefully for many nights to come. Now...can you tell what state I traveled from?

Tuesday's with Morrie

2008-03-10T22:04:00.002-06:00

Today in class we watched a movie. It's called Tuesdays with Morrie...its after the book. I am sure many of you have read it. Its very touching.

The quote that sticks out the most is "If you learn to die, you learn to die.", and you have to "forgive everyone, everything, don't wait before its too late."

Before its too late there are some things I want to say to the world...

1. I love my family...I love each and every one of them, even Chad. And Chad I want you to know even though you will never read this, I forgive you. I love you and I forgive you.
2. I want My dad to know that I love him and I think that he did a lot for me.
3. I want to tell my mom---I miss you and I love you. I am sorry I didn't do what I should have. I am sorry that I could not save you like you saved me.
4. I don't know if I will ever feel good enough for any of my friends and family...and I can't say that I will ever be able to repay everyone's kindness in my life, but I will try. I will pay it forward for as much as I possibly can.

I am grateful for so many things in my life. And I can not name them all here...but I really do love each and every person and I am thankful for all the blessings I have.

This is probably a blog no one will understand and that is ok. This one is more for me...things I just need to get out there.

The Will to....whatever...

2008-03-07T22:13:00.004-07:00

I haven't been posting in a while. I had some crap to sort through you could say. I still have crap to sort through. I just have to pose a question, but I suppose I have to explain the question in order to pose it.

I am usually pretty determined to fight my foe, in this case my ed. I am usually not the kind of person that just throws my hands in the air and quits fighting. That being said...I seem to wax and wane when it comes to fighting my eating disorder. Its like I am all gung hoe and ready to sling it into its grave and then some bad things happen or I get "tired" and I just give up for a time. Then I go through my crap and I climb back on top of my little mountain and declare myself queen once more over this thing. I seem to do this in cycles and sometimes one cycle lasts longer than the other, usually my fight comes back before drastic action is needed. I keep feeling like I must be some kind of idiot to keep making this choice to throw in the towel for however long, just so I have to fight my way back to the top. Does anyone else go through this or is this some weird twisted thing that happens in my head. Am I really such an idiot that I can literally lose my fight to something as stupid as this so many times...and know that it happens...and yet I don't seem to find some tool...or implement some sort of safety plan to catch me for when I do throw in the theoretical towel? I suppose seeing the pattern is great, but what good is recognizing something if I can't make my own proverbial safety net? I feel like I am just missing something in this entire mix of tools that I have been given to fight with. I have some strong desires and hopes that these giving up phases will span out longer and longer and get weaker and weaker as I set my own little army into place...but every now and then I just wonder how much of my life am I going to waste to this...how much will I continue to let it take before I put the damn stake through its heart and find the stupid holy water to go drown it in?

I just had to get that out there...because right now...I am pretty much feeling petty and stupid for buying into this....crap. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time...and go back to my little 10 year old self and pull her head out of her damn books just so I can set her straight...before all this had ever happened.

So I suppose my end all question is just...does anyone else go through these kinds of phases...or have they...and if so...how do you make yourself just stick to the determined side of it all?

illogical logic

2008-02-22T21:07:00.003-07:00

I just want to apologize for not posting in so long. I have a lot going on right now and I am not really that comfortable writing about it right now...so yea...Just want to let you know that I am still around....

Catch Update

2008-02-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. It has been awhile since I last posted. Sorry for that, life is a bit crazy right now. I am having medical issues that I don't want to go into detail about...suffice it to say that its really annoying. School is crazy on many levels and my mental state is crazy as well :) Isn't that supposed to mean that I am normal? I don't seem to be getting much time for myself at the moment. Anyhow and now my laptop is messed up and somehow my dad didn't buy the warranty plan that he thought he did. The damage is to the screen and its really annoying, especially for my ocd, because there are these cracks from the inside and what appears to be black ink spots on parts of those cracks. I keep wanting to make the black parts go away and so I keep pressing them...which is fine until I put the computer in my bag and get it back out later just to have the spots grow. I am trying to just not touch them...ugh. They store is trying to find some way to trick the system into thinking we bought the one we though we had bought. But it means living with this damage for a month or more...:( Being that I need the laptop for school I can't just ignore the problem for a month and just use my desktop. Anyhow thats about it right now about my life.

My grams cataract surgery went well...for the most part. The first eye has lost all vision though because it was not caught in time. She just has no way to tell us anything is wrong, but her other eye appears to have better vision now than ever. My dad says she sees better without her glasses with that eye.

Oh and my teeth have been repaired, but there are some problems with the fit now and they need work obviously. C'est la vie.

That Great Man

2008-01-29T15:37:00.001-07:00

I know many of you know about this and may have already written your feelings about the loss of this wonderful man. I need to get some things out that have been floating about in my head since I heard that he has left this world and is now with his beloved wife and all those others who have gone before him. I have a lot of respect for our beloved prophet.
I am a convert to the LDS church. This is the only prophet I have personally seen in action and therefore I have a lot of trust for this man. I have taken the things he said and I have put them into action in my life. I love him deeply and I am missing him. I hate death. Death is a great thing for those who pass on but I really hate the grieving missing them part.
The other part of all this is that I don't know the process by which the church goes under a new prophet. I have read what I can but I am still very nervous about the process. I have a lot of trust that God will guide things into action...but I am still scared, sortof, by it.
So my final words are just that this great man was a big part of my life...and I will miss him dearly.

What Love Can Do to ED

2008-01-26T19:30:00.001-07:00

I am reading this article...its about a couple where the wife deteriorates with anorexia. The husband is what strikes me as the kind of man that I think would really help me whip my eating disorder in the butt. I say this because he wanted to learn so much what his wife was hearing in her head that he starved himself in an attempt to recreate what was happening in her head. He heard the voice long enough to understand the allure and to understand how strong you have to be to overcome it. I was in tears by the end of the article because in the end she is able to trust him to be her eyes...and in turn he tells her the truth about how she looks...answering the painful question of "do I look fat?" He is actually...or so he says, honest when something doesn't look good on her.

Now this article touched me...I say this because I am struggling right now with a lot of things and when I read this I actually kept thinking...I wish I had a man like that...I wish there was one of those guys that I could trust that much to let him be my eyes. I have to imagine that it takes an incredible love to defeat our eating disorders...and sometimes I have felt in the past that there is no way I can beat this all on my own.

And yes tears overflowed from my eyes as I read about this powerful love story.

For The Love of Teeth

2008-01-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

I know that most of you don't know some things about me and this blog needs just a little background.
The combination of the type of radiation I had with this stupid eating disorder...I lost my teeth. They died from the bottom up and therefore the dental people have told me that its because of the radiation ki lling my jawbone or some crap like that. Anyhow for that reason I have dentures...not implants because with the bone being dead they can't drill anything in to it...which I think sucks ducks.
Now that all being said this morning I was brushing my teeth when my hand did one of its spastic movements and to my shock and horror my bottom denture snapped in two. My first thought is a string of curse words and then panic about how much it will cost and what needs to be done. So in and effort to appease the situation I attempt putting both pieces in my mouth and lets just say that won't work.
I called my dad and I have to find out how much this will cost but its also going to take a long time to fix. For me that is not good. I mean I have enough pain in my jaw to have an excuse to not eat already but now with this its become a major problem. I am trying to think of some way to not let this give my eating disorder a way to make a hold, but I am kind of scared now that it will have free reign of my mind now that I am basically on a boost diet.
This is just crazy...thats all I can say....

Sewing class...

2008-01-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I decided it would be fun to learn to sew. Now I did not take into account that sewing requires the actual cutting and using of fabric and thread...I say this because I seem to have this absolute fear of actually harming the fabric...ruining it in some regard. I decided to get over the cutting portion first, but see there is this side of my personality that is a perfectionist. And to make matters worse we had to spend over an hour trying to get the darn thing "on grain". Which is to say to make it square...but it turns out I have the unlucky fabric that the teacher noticed when my TA finally asked her what else to do to get it "on grain". The reply was " oh that fabric won't go on grain...so just don't worry about it." Thing is I am the only one in the class that got "that fabric" because I wanted pink. Go figure. So after messing with that I measure 3 or 9 times ant chalk it out over and over....before I "think I am ready to cut". Well I finally get the rotary blade down along the line and it veers all over the place...you would think that the heavy ruler would have been able to keep it straight...perhaps my body just won't let it be straight. So when I finally get it all cut out class is over and I have to come in on Saturday...which I think I will be going in on Saturday a lot just so I can get things done. Anyhow I start doing my seam samples only to discover every little mistake I can and rip it out a 20 or so times before deciding I need to just be happy with it. But after I get the seams done I am finishing up cutting off the long threads when I notice they are not together "perfectly". I would have ripped them out but I had to meet Mandy to go see Hamlet...a 6 hour play that was made into this awesome movie...that I had to see for my History of Creativity class. Anyhow I tried to cut off the little mishaps in where the fabric meets and I still have to do the seam finishes...but heres the kicker....as I was ripping it out over and over the TA tells me I just need to accept it as it is and keep going...and I am looking at her wanting to say "but it has to be perfect..." instead I say "but I am a perfectionist" and she laughs and tells me "then this is not the class for you..." My mind however keeps going back to my lab TA who said that these are graded as compared to "high quality" work...and even with all this I remain in this class. I have to ask if I am doing this to torture myself or do I really want to learn how to sew? The answer should be a simple..yes I do want to learn how to make things that will fit my body. I want to be able to wear things that I admire on others but know that my body will never fit into...like button up blouses...it would be so nice to wear a nice blouse and not have it gape open because people don't imagine how to make clothes for someone who is not a perfect B cup. BLAH!!!

Ok so here is what I need to say...I am challenging myself with this class...and I am hoping that I can enjoy the challenge to some degree. I need to find some way to work out this issue with needing everything to be just right...because life is not perfect. Things will come, especially when I get a family of my own...if I ever get that family, things will be askew and all over and I will have to overcome my obsessive ideas about how things should and should not be. Anyhow this is turning into more of a rant and I really should be studying.

Thank you for reading this and commenting...it means a lot to me.

Hectic Life....

2008-01-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting in so long. I survived the bus ride home...barely. Who ever heard of a bus station closing and kicking people out of the station when the bus is over 2 hours late....in the freezing cold. Needless to say I got sick by the time I got home....but it will pass.

I have been going crazy with school starting and all the doctors starting their medical tests again. On top of that having to deal with the changes in my prescription drug plan. GAH....sometimes I just want to scream. Anyhow I have been in classes for two weeks as of today...and I am already feeling like I am falling behind. There have been some things that I would say are triggers on top of the fallout from all the stuff that happened at home just finally getting passed the barricade that I was hoping would hold them back.

I had a biopsy done yesterday and that is causing some pain but I am not worried about the results really...it was a just to be safe procedure that both I and the doctor feel is nothing to really worry about. I should know more later. Now I am also having more tests to try and figure why my body makes involuntary movements. We have come close to determining that it is not a result of radiation damage though everything else thats going wrong with my body seems to be a result of that.

Like the title says...life is just plain hectic. I haven't had very much me time since I got home.

The really good people

2007-12-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

This is going to resemble a pretty morbid topic I suppose. I apologize for that in advance. I have gone through some very morbid times...and I will say and I hope that is enough of a vouch that this is by far not the worst thought in my repitoir of morbid thinking. It is however very much on my mind tonight as I have just finished watching a movie.
The movie is called "Pay it Forward". Now since this is not a new movie I will expect that many of you have seen it. In fact I have seen it before. And in general it is a good movie...but it breaches a subject that is somewhat of a sore spot with me. The ending...it strikes me as I was sitting there crying and trying not to sob over the little boy's death at the end, that God seems to call home all the really good people. The ones who would really make this world a much better place. Those people who at the very center of their being love...and care and try to help. The ones who have finished their journey here because they have learned to give back, to love, and to have respect for everyone and everything around them. And sometimes these are the ones that have so much love to give it is overflowing. Now I am not saying that everyone who dies is this kind of person, but the ones who die young...or even some that are dying old...it just seems to me that everyone who I know that has this kind of attitude does in fact die.
My mother died at 47...and I am not saying that she was a saint. She had her faults...but she loved. She knew the power of forgiveness, and she showed me what true love is. This is kind of going into a thought pattern that has ruled most of my life since I was 15...but I believe, in some regards anyhow, that she did in fact give her life for me to live. She in some way "took" the death I was facing at 15 and took my place. I know this is magical thinking and as much therapy as I try to get to resolve this thought pattern the root never leaves. I believe it in some core part of my being that just won't let it go...even though I am telling myself it is not rational even as I type these words...I still believe it.
My cousin died young. He was 16. Now he was good. All around a good guy. We were really close, and we were the last of the grandchildren to stop spending our summers with grams and grandpa. But that last summer we spent there together at 16...we contemplated moving in with grams and grandpa because we thought he was too critical and hard on grams and we wanted to protect her. The next summer I missed because my mom was dying and Andy and I never really had a close conversation with him again. He died about a month after mom...some stupid car accident that took him too early. You see Andy was the kind of person that would have changed the world. Every night I search for Orion among the stars and I know that if I find him...that is my connection to Andy...I can talk to him through Orion. Again another one of my irrational thought patters that is at the core of me that can not be taken from me.
Now my Grams is suffering some strange death before death. Sometimes I don't think she is even inside this shell that once was her body. What keeps her moving when her spirit no longer operates her body? Now you want to talk about a good person she was one. If she thought she could help and you told her yes she could...give her 24 hours and she would be at your door...willing to stay for as long as you needed her.
Okay, so in pay it forward the little boy has a monumental idea...to change the world. One that actually has a chance in making a difference. A child who makes the world better just by thinking...because he cares so much. And he dies in the act of helping another child. How on earth can a movie end and leave you feeling such utter despair? A boy that good gets killed because his heart is so big that he can no longer sit by and see someone else get hurt.
I guess in my morbid thinking mind right now I am having a problem facing how this can happen in this world. How do all the people who can impact others lives in a good way always find their way home to God faster? And if this really is the case, when can I learn more to be like them so that I can just go be with them?

PLAY!!! (and novelty)

2007-12-20T22:43:00.000-07:00

My cat thinks she is a mighty hunter. But there is a catch. See I went and bought her a bribe because I figured she would be mad at me for not coming around in 2 years...and all the years between were so stressful for her. Well this gift was a remote control mouse, because I know she like to play. My father was determined to say that she wasn't a playful cat and in my almighty opinion I said I knew better. Well we were both wrong. She doesn't like my fancy mouse, but she is also a lot more playful with me around than she has been for the past year and a half or so. At least that is what I am told. But here is my thing...she is a mighty hunter and she will attack and kill whatever she finds that might even look like it moved. She basically attacks everything: her shadow, my clothes hamper (this is at a flying leap from the wall on the opposite side of the bed from the hamper which is on the other wall of my room...literally flying...no ground involved), her tail, the wrinkles in my sheets, the usual hands and feet, hair and other moving objects. However her latest idea of a toy had me in shock this afternoon. Here is a picture of, in her opinion, the best toy she has ever had

Now one might ask how a cat can gain the concept that this needs to be attacked and killed for the protection of all who stand near, but I will tell you it is true. This tiny wrapper was transformed this afternoon into some kind of monster in her mind...and following now I will post a series of pictures of her in action.
and to see this you would think the thing had insulted her or someone she loved.

Ain't she just so cute? Can you believe she has to be at least 10 years old??? Bah...she just barely started looking like an adult cat recently to me, and she still acts like a kitten.

On another note, we were out driving around on my birthday and we went to lunch with some friends in this small town around here that I don't remember the name of and we happened upon a novelty of sorts. We had to go around the block to look again and when we did I had my dad stop the car so I could snap some pictures. Now what novelty made such an impact as to require all this you ask?

He is a little fireman...well a fire hydrant painted as a fireman anyhow. I just think he is adorable and it is such a neat idea, but I think you would only get away with this kind of thing in a small town.

Thats about it for today...I hope you find this one entertaining. :)

I want to thank all of you who have commented on my blogs and also those of you who just read. It means a lot to me that people care enough to come and see what I have to say.

Tears in Heaven

2007-12-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at the table next to my Grams when a song popped in my head and I just have to write about it.

It seems so perfect when you listen to the words of Eric Clapton in this song...if I apply it to my Grams. She doesn't know me now and if Heaven is as it is supposed to be and we get a perfect body and a perfect mind back she will remember me...far off in some distant time on the other side.

It makes me sad but it also seems to bring relief to some of the sadness that has been accompanying this visit home. I love her more than life itself, and I know that if she could remember me she would feel the same.

Here is the kicker....the song also says a line that I tend to buy into..."I know I don't belong, here in heaven". I have felt this way for most of my life. For some reason I feel like I have to prove I am worth it, like I have to suffer a lot or pay a certain price...whereas I believe that others get in without any hassle. Its a stupid thought and I am trying to fight it...but its a thought all the same. Anyhow you can shut off my main player and play the song to hear what I am talking about. Its beautiful and I know most people have heard it.

Who made the pie crust from scratch??

2007-12-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

So my Grandpa wants a pie. Not any pie and he will go off if any part is purchased at a store. Well, knowing this I decided that I would bake for my grandpa while I am home for his Christmas present this year. Well, I decided to make his pie crust today. I went ahead and started only to realize we only had enough butter for one batch. I promised him I would have him a pie by tonight. So I ended up spending all day over there baking. I do the pie and there has to be enough crust for crispies as he calls them. Its just leftover pie crust that we cover in cinnamon sugar and bake. Well I made an entire extra recipe of crust so he would have a lot of crispies....especially since its a rarity for him to have the homemade pie crust. Well the first batch was okay...semi black on a couple edges. He turned off the stove on accident and in the process of restarting it I ended up totally burning the second batch....luckily I put the small batch in before the big one...and the last one came out mostly okay...but he happened to pick up the one piece that had some black on the bottom of it. Anyhow, he just keeps giving me a hard time.
I think the thing that gets me with him is that he nit picks ever little thing anyone does. There is a lecture for everything you do that is any different that he thinks it ought to be. To make matters worse I can't tell when he is joking and when he is serious. Like tonight...I made sure to wash the dishes and put them away after each thing that I did in baking tonight...that means I did the dishes 3 or 4 times. Anyhow after supper there was a lot of dishes because each container was emptied at the table. Jeanette (mom) and he washed the dishes and dried them. I sat in the front room figuring I had done enough to take one night off from drying dishes. WRONG!!! I walked in the kitchen as I was about to leave to hug him and say goodnight, and what do I get? A comment about Jeanette always cleaning up my messes? WHAT MESS? I retorted with I had done all my dishes except for the 3 pans that I used for the crispies. He acted like that wasn't true and said I should ask Jeanette about that. I just rolled my eyes and gave an exasperated sigh. I went and told Jeanette what he said and she laughed at him. SO I just left, because that was the last straw today for me anyhow. I knew if I stayed there was gonna be some word slinging. See Grandpa and I have a relationship similar to my dad and I BEFORE family therapy fixed how we talk to one another.

The other straw has to do with my homemade flour tortillas that he thumbed his nose at. Thats another story all together. Short version is I thought since he spent time in Mexico he would like them and it turns out he hates flour tortillas but fails to tell me this until after I have started to cook them on the stove and I have him sample it for me. BLAH!! Is all I have to say.

Sorry this is more of a rant but if I don't say it somewhere I may end up yelling at him and that just won't do any good. The man is set in his ways and we have never seen eye to eye. Perhaps I am just too sensitive to be in this family. It seems that way sometimes anyhow. We sling insults like they are jokes and laugh even when we are hurting from the words that are said. But see I have never been able to let these comments roll of my back. I have gotten better at seeing who the person is that said it and what they really meant behind it. But how is insulting someone saying that you really love them? Its some kind of twisted logic. Sometimes I wonder how a man like my grandpa ended up with a woman as caring and completely opposite as my Grams? Sometimes this world doesn't make complete sense.

Did I mention I love my cat? She knows how to show me that she loves me. In fact she is laying here right next to me sleeping in a weird way. I will try to explain but I don't know if I can help you picture it. I am leaning against the wall on my bed with my laptop on my lap. She has laid down next to me at first with my arm over here...petting her initially and her head on my stomach but a few minutes later her head is over the same arm and her paw is locking that arm down. She always comes and shows me love. There is no confusing her signals. She will always come back even when I make her mad like I did this evening by holding her too long. She doesn't like to not have her feet on the ground for very long. But she comes back and she usually takes away any upsetting thoughts that may be going through my head. The wisdom I have right now is that Cats really do make it all BETTER. :)

What's in a Memory

2007-12-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

Sitting across the room from her I am reminded of a time that seems so long ago:
I was in the hospital after my first surgery in some foggy haze inside of the ICU. I remember my mother in a rocking chair beside my bed...though if I think back I would realize my memory placed the well known rocking chair from my grandma's home in that memory. I vaguely recall moving my toes for the doctors as they checked in on me. I remember waiting...a long time just waiting for her to come. I would not let the nurse give me any morphine until she got there. She was my grandma and she was the one that held my hand through all the nights of hospitals and surgeries. She would come...I always knew when something bad happened she would be there waiting to see what she could do to help.
How can we ever repay that tribute to her? This memory of mine is no longer a memory of hers...she doesn't think of me as her granddaughter but rather as a friend...a "good friend" as she phrased it tonight. I was tempted and I admit I should not have asked but I had to ask her if she remembered that night. Her reply was "vaguely". This memory that she has held on to as the reason she and I were connected in the depths of our souls...and now it is only in my mind and not in hers.
I think about all this as I eat a slice of fresh bread with some apple butter on it, and in mid-bite I can no longer stand the emotions that are surely running across my face. I am in the spirit at the moment of wanting to forget...wanting the numbness that has come so easily in the past with all the wrong coping skills. Is it so hard to listen and watch a loved on die? I can answer that with a vivid no...I have done it....I have done it too many times. I fear that all the ones I connect to are doomed to a painful death of some sort...and as irrational as I know that is, it continues to cross my mind....and as I spit out that bite of bread and throw out the rest of it, it is all that I can think about. And again the questions of how to make people stay away from me comes up again and again as I wait for Grandpa to come home so that I may return to the safety of my books and my homework.
Tomorrow is another day...but for today I am sad. In some ways I am mourning what once was. I question once again if I spend too much time in the past and in the future. How will I ever learn to live just for today?

Kiity Obsession!!

2007-12-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

Ok so maybe not quite an obsession but she is my joy. In this photo she has decided I have done too much studying even though I barely picked up the book. I was also told that when I left the house to run across the street she started crying. So I can't imagine what she will do when I have to leave and go back to Provo in month. She has also claimed my bed as her safe spot...if anything scares her she will run for my room. I love her dearly even if I am itching and sneezing and have to take 4 benadryl a day....I still love her and she will always be welcome to sleep in my bed.

I have spent only two days with my Grams and it scares me that my dad says she is actually doing well right now. She shuffles now. I don't remember her ever doing that. She doesn't seem to really know who I am...she just seems to know that I am important to her in some way. I think she sort of thought I was a kid the last time I saw her because she told me I sure grew up tall or something like that. She has even asked my grandpa what his name was. She tells everyone thank you....I am not sure all the time for what. She has always had a sweet disposition and I am very glad to see that this disease has not taking that away from her. I love this woman more than anything I have left in this life. Maybe even more than Shadow....the cat that I am so definitely obsessed about.

This is the woman who showed me what true unconditional love was. She showed me what it meant to be close to your family. If any one of us were sick and there was any chance that she could help....within 24 hours she would be on our doorstep. When I had my cancer surgeries she was the one that came and slept in the cot at the foot of my bed so that I would not be alone at night in the hospital. This is the woman that I want to strive to be like someday. She truly knows what it is to serve the people around her....and how to show that she loves you no matter what. I can remember spending my summers with my grandparents and she would "tuck me in". This happened until I stopped coming after I turned 18. Tuck me in became code for come sit on my bed and talk to me...and my brother and everyone else teased me for having Grams tuck me in still. Only now there is no "tucking in" because the stories are all on repeat and she gets confused if you ask her simple questions. I miss this woman...and I will forever want to be as much like her as I possibly can be.

Grandpa has evidently mellowed out as a result of Grams' condition. He used to be stubborn and impatient...and he and I used to fight these obnoxious crazy head to head battles. Now he doesn't seem to stand up for anything. He still jokes around and pretends to be mad but he isn't really. He really does love Grams so much. And he seems to be very afraid of being alone. He really wants to make sure she doesn't go to a nursing home if he can help it. I feel sad for him. I wonder as well if dad and Jeanette hadn't moved up here then where would that put him? The love in this part of my family will continue to amaze me as well as set a president for how I hope my family will be when I finally have one of my own.

I love them all...without any kind of end in sight to how big that love actually is. Losing another member of my family seems to be this impossible thing and yet we are losing Grams...slowly, but she still seems to be disappearing from within her body. The day she dies I worry about how I will be able to handle it...but I am trying not to ponder on that too much since there is no way to stop it from happening and there is no use in worrying about it at this moment.

Snow!!!!

2007-12-03T21:21:00.001-07:00

I must say I really do enjoy snow. I think one of the prettiest things is when a trees branches are outlined with snow. I found a lot of fascinating things the other day when it snowed. I only captured two shots with my camera though. This one which I took the minute I woke up and realized it was snowing and the other was one taken shortly after this from my bedroom window. I can truly see God's beauty in every season and I am very grateful for that.

I am so excited to leave in a couple of days. I am leaving in Thursday. I previously thought I was leaving on Wednesday but as it turns out that is not true. I really can not wait to see my cat. I want to cuddle and play with her. Its been almost a year and a half since I have seen her. I hope she doesn't hold that against me. I bought her a bribe just in case :). Its a remote control mouse. I think it will just as fun for me....although I admit I wonder if at first it will scare her or something. Either way I am excited to see her reaction. And as always with me she will have her own pillow on my bed. This is gonna be great even if I do have to take benadryl for a month.
I really do love my cat. She has been there for me through a lot of stuff.

One more thing...why do the days before a vacation seem to go extra slow? Today was really an anxious time for me and it just dragged on and on. But good news is that I went Ice Skating tonight. It was pretty funny. I think I have been ice skating around 5 times in my entire life...if that. I actually didn't fall which was pretty amazing. I was pretty dizzy by the end. I can't decide if that is because we were skating in circles or if it was my meds messing with my head.

I can never figure out how to end these things.

The things I think about on Sunday

2007-12-02T22:14:00.001-07:00

It seems so strange to me how easily my mind wanders and distracts me during church. I would like to think that I am a faithful and good child of God, but I also think that there is a great amount of room for improvement.

Today my mind wandered from what would be served at break the fast to what my cat will do when she first sees me at the end of this next week. I would also venture to say that it went across everything else in between. I remembered that I will be at my mom's grave before this week is out...and that frightens me and makes me happy in the same moment. Today at church was testimony meeting and I was nudged just a bit to get up and give mine. I really do not do well in front of a large group of people. To make matters worse it was really hard to concentrate on what I was supposed to say in this Testimony. It should be said that this is only my 2nd time up to that podium in the past year and a half. I do not go up easily and I usually make things very short and to the point.

I love my cat and I miss her dearly. I also proceeded to fall asleep at 5 pm and did not get up until 15 minutes ago...and yet I am ready to sleep again. Good night my friends.