Grief and Resolution

There has been a lot of grief around me lately. Read about, talked about, felt. Raw, painful, burning grief. Its bringing up things for me. Its about that time again and I am in that summer again. My grief coming once again to a head. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to write a blog about it or if I wanted to keep it in therapy and in my journal, private. I wasn't sure because I didn't want to downplay the grief of friends which is so new and so very raw. Mine is rather old, but still very raw. Does one ever find a way to get past that kind of pain and loss? I know I value the life my mom lived. I do remember her life and I am scared that I will forget her...and in some ways that I have forgotten her. But there are lessons she taught me that are a part of who I am and will never leave my being.

I released a balloon for sweet precious baby Kendall today. I remember the joy her mom had feeling her grow. The smile it brought to Brie's life. While I keep people distant and don't have close friends here in Utah or really anywhere anymore I feel close to Brie because of her blog. I hate to see her in pain...I watched that balloon fly and thought of the brief life Kendall had here and how much joy that little baby had in the short time she was here. I also thought about the joy one person can bring. I saw something...we all bring joy to someone. We all have an effect on someone else. And when we are gone we will all be remembered by someone whether its down here or someone who is already home, waiting for us. My mom loved babies. My mom is already home. And I sent her a balloon too. I told her a lot in my letter that I sent with the balloon...a lot that I will not share here, but I asked her to look for Kendall and make sure that baby has as many people to hold her and love her until her mom can be with her to do it. I asked her to help Kendall watch and wait and have fun and play. To make sure she smiles and smiles a lot, laughs and laughs a lot, and above all else to know that she has a mommy that loves her like nothing else and that one day her mommy will be with her too and her mommy will smile and laugh and love her a lot.

I made a resolution...I don't know that I am going to share my letters. But Brie and Stef have inspired me to start a journal, a separate physical journal of just letters to mom. I need to find a way to remember the life and to let go of the pain. And I need to find a way to release the physical pain.