The Ultimatum

So my dietitian H gave me lots of homework over this past month or so as I have slid a little. More as like I have become stuck...no forward or backward motion. I had trouble doing the homework and each week she kept adding more. I giggled about not getting it done when I really wanted to say I feel stupid for not being able to put down the answers I know she wants. Those same answers I have used in the past to get through treatment, to at least get people off my back...but I just couldn't put anything down I didn't see as true. Still won't. Instead we spoke of how my medical issues are making food boring, bland, and all the same texture. Texture is a big thing to me...I need changes. Flavors and textures are staying the same. Its easier for me to not eat when I can't make a change because I have no teeth. Anyhow so what did I get but more homework. Now to buy more foods and try new recipes and such. And near the end of that session I was told not to come back until I had all the homework done. I wanted to cry. I have never been given an ultimatum in my treatment. Never been told I had to do something or could not come back. I think I took it as a form or firing because last week I decided to go to the ER for my asthma but waited until the day of my appointment to do it. And this week I just flat out canceled it.

And now I am sliding, and now I am caring less in an I still care kind of way. I am ashamed to say that I need a break or I don't care. I even started to ask the cancer docs for a new feeding tube because I do not know how much longer I can keep putting food in my mouth and swallowing.

I can say this....when I see people eat real food I am jealous. I want to be able to chew my food so I am not choking and I want to be able to actually enjoy something...its like the old saying back from the AN days is true...and that it all really is the same and there is no point in trying the new stuff cause its all bland and mushy and gross anyhow.